Sorry, Sharon, I remain unconvinced.  Regardless of what other
feelings are called, *true* guilt can only come from *not* doing
something you know to be best or *by doing* something you know to be
wrong.  It's called having a concience.  I too have suffered the loss
of a child and no I do not feel guilty.  I feel sad.  I cannot feel
guilty because I can accept no *blame* for what happened.  Parents as
you describe who have suffered a loss are mistaking their profound
feelings of loss and sadness and calling it guilt perhaps for lack of
a better term.  I encourage everyone, if you encounter parents in this
situation, to help them to find appropriate, gentle terms for their
feelings."

Theresa -

Who defines "true" guilt?  The person who has the feeling has the right to define it.  How can anyone presume to interpret and know what another person is feeling or how that person deals with their feelings.

Everyone is entitled to feel the way they feel  (that cannot be denied even if desired) without someone else telling them they don't really feel that way, or that if they do, then they did something "wrong". That is the ultimate in disrespecting a fellow human being.   How can anyone say in good conscience that other people aren't really feeling a certain way just because that feeling wasn't experienced by them.

Depending on life experiences (such as economic advantage or not, education or not, love and emotional support or not, abused or not, taught how to deal with anger and other feelings or not etc. etc.) people will encounter the world differently and no one can tell them they DO NOT really feel the way they do, or that if they do, then they deserve to.  That could send someone in an already stressed state of mind over the edge (I.E. for feeling guilty about why they feel guilt or any other feeling).

We are supposed to listen and mirror and support.  Hopefully in time and maybe with our help, the people who come to us realize they did what they believed (with the knowledge they had) to be the right thing.   And hopefully after that realization,
they don't feel guilty anymore (I.E. for listening to their Ped. and giving ABM or NOT listening to their Ped. and NOT giving ABM etc.) and just accept and continue from there.

Karen Hoffman (NMN Counselor in PA)