Great question, Jan. "Why on earth is it so >important for dads to feed babies to feel as though they are "loved" and >"important" and "bonding?" Why does this not extend to when the kid is 2 & >1/2 and someone needs to make dinner for her? Why is it only the bottle >feeding (in the early days, BTW) that is important? Why is my husband not >cheerfully (emphasis here) making dinner for all of us to bond with us? I think that part of it is garden-variety, green-eyed jealousy. The newborn baby seems to be "particularly fond" of feeding at Mom's breast, and all of the "other" bodily ministrations don't produce that intense satisfaction for baby. Mom is (hopefully) being catered to and praised for getting the feeding right (hopefully), and Dad is sent to the grocer for a head of cabbage. :( Also, Dad is in love with this baby too and just doesn't know what to do with all of that feeling. To transfer it to his wife as a back-rub, a sandwich, screening calls from relatives, or doing the laundry is a difficult leap. It can be done, but it takes maturity. By the time that "the kid is 2 & 1/2 and someone needs to make dinner for her", some of the luster and awe has, shall we say, mellowed. Perhaps those sandwiches don't carry the intensity for even Mom or her child that those early feedings at the breast carried. I love your questioning, though, and I plan to put it out there as comic relief amidst all the intensity. And sadly, I know of a few women who didn't breastfeed because they wanted their husbands to feel involved. The thrill lasted a very short time. Somehow your question reminds me of a family whom I was working with last week. It was the day of the playoffs between Atlanta and Chicago (baseball). The house is a small 2 story and in the living room were Mom and baby, "focused" Lactation Consultant, Dad, Maternal Grandma, unsettled dog, AND the Atlanta Braves and Chicago Cubs (TV) right at the LCs left shoulder . Dad had just come home with birth pictures and he and grandma were wanting Mom to help them pick the picture for the birth announcement. I gently told them that perhaps they could decide this later, so they resumed their game watching. When I detected a change in TV sound, I asked, hopefully, if that was a commercial, thinking that the sound could be turned down. But at the inning change, Dad had flipped to another channel--a study of the life of squid. It was clear that even with my "hints" about wanting to hear the baby swallow, the TV was the center of their attention, so I "cryptically" asked mom where she feeds the baby at night, to which she replied, "upstairs in the bedroom on the bed." I suggested that we go there so that she would have the same setting that she would be using later. ;) So we scooped up baby and LC equipment and went upstairs. Mom got settled onto the bed, cross-legged (?! at day 3) and we began to work. Within 2 minutes here came Grandma putting away clothes in chests, arranging things, closing doors and drawers, and the floor was very squeaky. (I couldn't believe it.) Then a couple of minutes later there was Dad, talking to Grandma about some important decision of housekeeping. It was as loud as it had been earlier. (I couldn't believe it.) I whispered to Mom, "Maybe we'd better go downstairs where it is quieter." She grinned. We were ignoring both of them and after 5 minutes or so, Grandma said, "Let's go downstairs and give them some quiet." (Wheeee) I know that some of you are wondering why in the world I didn't say, "Turn off the TV so that we can hear and focus on feeding the baby." or "Let's go upstairs where it is quiet" (said loudly). I have done that many times and I have been annoyed many times, but this time was different, as the excitement and joy and emotional involvement of these "helpers" was a treasure and I didn't want to discredit it or diminish it at all. This wasn't a detached, distracted group of people, which I have seen plenty of. [Grandma had bought a "side-car" sleeping thing even before her daughter was pregnant because she wanted her to breastfeed any babies and keep them close at night.] There was so much support of Mom's breastfeeding, and of her totally, that I didn't want to come between these people. I would be going away and they would be there loving and supporting each other. Grandma and Dad had been doing many outstanding, caring things for both Mom and baby. I loved it. I learn a lot by working in the homes. Later I chuckled, and wondered why they had come upstairs when the ball game had seemed so important earlier, and I concluded that Mom and baby were the true centers of their hearts and minds, and when we went upstairs they wanted to be close to where the miracle was. It was probably very hard for them to go downstairs with just each other and a baseball game--or even squid. I expected to go back for a 3rd visit, but all was resolved and I didn't have to. That is one lucky little girl. (And, by the way, Mom is a Pediatric resident!!!) Well, all of this to say that when it's not the jealousy (or even along with the jealousy) it can be a desire of Dad to be in on this wonder and not knowing how. I've found the words that I got from some Lactnetter to be especially inspiring to several dads when his feeding the baby with a bottle comes up. "You are the one person who can teach your baby that love doesn't always come with food." Sometimes their eyes "puddle up" or they seem awe-struck. I then I ask them what they think they would like to do with the baby that would be enjoyable to both them and the baby. We talk. Another thing I tell the dads is that their baby learns through her mouth and her skin. If he will hold baby on his bare chest and baby in just diaper, baby will connect very deeply to him and him to her. I love it when I come back later and they say, with a big smile, that they tried it and it was great. I don't know why I'm telling *you* all of this. You all know these things. I just got carried away with writing to Lactnet, which I haven't had time to do lately. This case was a bright light in a frustrating week similar to what others of you had. Patricia Gima, IBCLC Milwaukee, Wisconsin, upper midwest USA mailto:[log in to unmask]