I received an e-mail from someone wanting information on how mothers can protect the breastfeeding relationship in divorce cases. Apparently, this person has a friend whose husband left while she was pregnant. She wants to breastfeed, and wanted to know what information was out there to help. First, in most states the primary goal is to help the child to have a bond with both parents when they separate. It does not matter if they were married or not. Breastfeeding is usually recognized as best for the child, but the courts will not pick breastfeeding, or one parent's bond, over the other. The best way parents can protect the breastfeeding relationship is to show how the father's bond can be encouraged and promoted, while the mother's bond and breastfeeding are not disrupted. With a young baby or child, this generally translates into short, frequent visits, gradually increasing as the child grows older. Most jurisdictions have standard visitation - every other weekend - which is really designed for school age children. Very few jursidictions deal with under school age children, and weekend visitation can be very difficult for a baby or young child to handle, breastfed or not. This is one reason why Texas' standard weekend visitation does not apply to children under the age of 3. In that case, the Judge must look at many different factors in fashioning visitation. One circuit in Florida has developed visitation guidelines that take the needs of young children. It calls for short, frequent visits until age 2, at which time one overnight visit would take place. Weekends would occur at age 3, and week long visits in the summer after kindergarten. Although many experts believe that this is best for securely attached children (kids not accustomed to lengthy separations from a primary caretaker) there are cases all the time that order inappropriate visitation. I have seen 3 mo. old babies sent off for 2 weeks in the summer. 4 mo. olds off for 4 day visits every other weekend, or 13 mo. old breastfed babies visiting the father for 4 weeks in the summer. Judges are usually just lawyers - not trained in child development or separation needs. And the norm in our society is to not nurture our young. Many mothers are returning to work at 6 weeks, placing the baby in day care, not breastfeeding, letting their baby cry it out at night, and leaving the baby regularily on the weekend or for week long trips. If the Judge's wife did this, it may be hard for him to hear that a 6 mo. old, or a 15 mo. old could not handle lengthy visits with Dad! Now, I firmly believe that the father's bond is just as important as the mother's bond. However, the father's bond flows from the secure base the child has with the mother. The mother's bond is born of biology - grows inside her body, and is nurtured from her body. However, babies need a mommy AND a daddy, not a mommy OR a daddy. The best way to protect the breastfeeding relationship in a family law case is to keep anger out of it, recognize that the baby needs a bond with both parents, and work together for the child. Parents can settle their cases many different ways. That is what mediation is all about! And you can have anything if you settle. Letting a judge decide a case is often like playing lotto. Help the child to have a good relationship with Daddy. Keep things flexible. Remember that children need frequent and continuing contact with BOTH parents!! The best way to lose your family law case is to go in very angry, bash the other side, get lots of needless restraining orders, and try to restrict or supervise the other's access to the child. Unfortunately, this is what many mothers do. In the rare situation where there is true, significant and proveable abuse, the parent must have good legal advice, and be able to prove the facts in a way other than their sole testimony. Alleging that the other parent is abusive is done so often it may fall on deaf ears. Proving that the other parent is abusive to the parent is not enough in most places to restrict visitation, as there needs to be clear proof that the parent would be a present danger to the child. 9 out of 10 cases have abuse alleged, and most get restraining orders easily. However, when abuse is alleged, and restraining orders given, the courts generally will not allow the parents to have any contact with each other. This usually results in the baby going off for visits without the mother ever being allowed to be present, and for longer visits. If short, frequent visits are not possible for any reason, the courts often see no choice but to order the every other weekend, which involves less contact between the parents. As courts will try to encourage both parents bond, if one parent is trying to keep the child from the other, they are often deemed unfit for that reason. This can be grounds to give custody to the other parent. For example, moving far away, or fleeing, usually results in the other parent being given custody. Alleging abuse and asking for very restricted visitation has resulted in custody being given to the other parent in several cases - the court may conclude that the parent will not give good access to the child, and will poison the child's mind against the other parent. In fashioning visitation for young children, I strongly recommend that parents work together, keep it flexible, responsive to the child, and frequent. If that isn't possible, and they need a fixed, rigid visitation plan (which is generally NOT best for the child), in home visits for 2-4 hours up to 6 mo. of age is generally appropriate, with out of home visits to begin then. Visits can increase an hour or two every month or so, until two full days of visitation are worked up to. Preferably overnights will not begin until the child wants to go - between 2 and 3, but very few judges have put overnights off past age 2. Increasing a 12 hour overnight 3 hours a month works up to full weekends one year later. Week long visits can be very traumatic to young children, and should not occur until at least age 5 or 6. It can be very difficult to protect the best interests of the child. Often it is not convenient to the mother or the father. Remembering that they are babies for such a short period of time, and that they need to have love from as many people as possible can help. Counselling is viewed as a very favorable thing to do - to help deal with the inevitable anger that results from a relationship ending, to developing communication skills and learning how to de-escalate situations where the fighting stops. Please feel free to e-mail me, or call if anyone wants more information on this. I wrote an article entitled "Is breastfeeding really a visitation issue" that addresses much of this. It is published in Mothering, fall 1993 issue. Elizabeth N. Baldwin, Esq. 305-944-9100 Home office: 305-940-7873 Fax: 305-949-9029 E-mail: [log in to unmask] or [log in to unmask] Attorney specializing in breastfeeding and the law