Ouch! How about this as an approach: First validate the feelings: "I'm so sorry you were disappointed with your care..." Next, try to reframe some of the failure this poor couple is feeling: "It's obvious that you love your son very much and are doing the very best you can for him. It's very hard to fingerfeed for weeks, while still finding time to pump, and it can be so frustrating to have a baby who can't latch on. You worked very hard for 2 weeks, at a time when your body was adjusting to great changes and you were so tired. People only have a finite amount of time, energy and persistence. When you run out of resources, you can't do any more. Please be kind to yourself and recognize the incomparable start you gave your son." Third, try to address some of the misinformation: "While a recessed jaw can make breastfeeding more difficult, it is usually possible for the baby to latch with special techniques such as tipping the head back slightly and starting with the baby's lower lip a half inch away from the nipple to increase tongue contact with the breast." (or whatever your colleague really recommended they do). "Lactation consultants try to encourage parents to keep trying as long as they have the resources to do so, because we have found that many babies do learn to latch with time." Last, try to readjust the expectations of what a lactation consultant should be able to diagnose, after all, the family physician did not pick up the subperiostial hematoma either. What kind of testing was done to confirm that diagnosis? Or was it a presumptive diagnosis? It sounds like this couple is subconsciously looking for a scapegoat for what they percieve as a great failure. They might have refused followup appointments, misunderstood the care plan, and failed to pump frequently enough. They obviously never understood that one can provide breastmilk even if the baby is unable to breastfeed. Reducing their feelings of failure by reframing and showing empathy might allow them to resolve them and see more of reality. Then they can decide what to do with this and future babies. -- Catherine Watson Genna, IBCLC New York City mailto:[log in to unmask] *********************************************** The LACTNET mailing list is powered by L-Soft's renowned LISTSERV(R) list management software together with L-Soft's LSMTP(TM) mailer for lightning fast mail delivery. For more information, go to: http://www.lsoft.com/LISTSERV-powered.html