In this day and age of "experts," specialists and medical interventions,
many parents are unable to set boundaries. They are so used to everyone
telling them what to do. It starts before pregnancy and gets more intense as
people start patting bellies (and not every mother knows she can refuse!).
By the time the mother is at the birth, she is at a loss as to who is in
charge. Labor and delivery are really dependant upon doctor and nursing
support. Hospital procedures determine when and if you can have you your
baby:  your baby will be taken for this and returned then.  From birth,
someone else decides when you will have your baby, and has expectations you
have to meet (feeding, diapering, wet/dirty). Sounds cynical, but from the
new mother's standpoint, there it is. Parents may feel they don't "own"
their babies until someone tells them they do.

Many new parents do not understand the concept of "this child is mine and I
have to set boundaries for his/her health/safety."

Empowering parents, as part of childbirth education, breastfeeding support,
or simply being friends, helps with the
cell-phone/friend/visitor/interruption syndrome. I liked Christine's
suggestions, and have some more of my own.

Encouraging parents to take the "babymoon" time to get to know each other,
and relating it to the honeymoon, where you get to know your spouse (and
would be greatly discouraged to have continual
company/interference/interruptions) helps parents understand how important
the baby's needs are. Relating getting to know the baby with dancing,
everyone does it differently, and the parents need to learn how to dance
with *this* baby may help put phone calls and visitors in perspective.

Give the parents tools to use. Give permission to stay in pajamas. Put
responsibility on the doctor: "My doctor says I have to limit visitors for
the first week."  Give the job to the partner: My husband/partner will tell
people to leave. Get larger hospital beds, so the whole family can room-in.
Everyone gets more rest, and most visitors are uncomfortable staying in such
an intimate setting (works well at home!)

Can a nurse help out an overwhelmed family by suggesting it is time to check
stitches or something? It is frightening for a new mother to be overwhelmed,
but it is worse to be thought of as a (whatever negative label society gives
women who do not do what we want them to do) because she is frustrated with
interruptions. Protecting the mother's fragile self-esteem is important,
too. When she feels strong and worthy, she will be able to help herself
(filling that emotional bucket).

Mothers may also be intensely lonely in a solitary hospital setting, because
we are social beings and she may never have been alone with a tiny person
before. Perhaps one special friend could keep her company, instead of a raft
of acquaintances.

We have disempowered parents in today's society, and then we wonder why so
many parents are unable to parent their children. Many parents do not
realize they do not have to answer the door/phone, just as many parents do
not realize that a pacifier is not always necessary. Having a baby is such a
adjustment in the whole lifestyle, this may be their first opportunity to
set boundaries. Opening their eyes to this may be the first time they see
their new job!

Best wishes from a cooler SE Ohio,
Heather "Sam" Doak



<<In my class I am trying to think of suggestions.  One is turn off the cell
phone and leave a message for callers. Have a designated caller so people
can call this person for details about the birth and baby and condition of
mom and this person can start a phone chain to let all of the friends and
family know the good news. Have a dry erase board on the door so mom can
leave notes to visitors or have do not disturb signs.>

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