Debra,
From what you have described, I'm not sure the father should be
alone with the child at all. This has nothing to do with
breastfeeding. A man with a criminal record and anger management
problems shouldn't be left alone with a 10 month old child. he cannot
be expected to deal with her appropriately immature behavior. She is
the baby here.
What do his parents have to say about this? Are the courts involved?
What is his relationship with the baby's mother?
I don't think that showing him research about attachment parenting in
the solution. Have you asked him why he wants three days with her?
Does he want that time without the mother? I think it's great that he
wants to be involved in his daughter's growing up and wants to be a
presence in her life. That is not the same as wanting to be involved
in her care. Has he ever been alone with her? How about if you start
with being alone for long enough for Mom to run a few errands and
take it from there. I suspect he has no idea what 3 days with his
daughter will be like.
Anyway, rather than showing him research that he doesn't understand
and doesn't care about, try to elicit from him what his needs,
expectations, desires are in this area, what kind of picture he has
of spending time with his daughter, how he sees his role.
Hope this is helpful.
Naomi Bar-Yam
>
> Date: Wed, 14 Dec 2005 19:50:34 -0500
> From: Debra Ray <[log in to unmask]>
> Subject: personal question
>
> OK Ladies - I need some assistance. This is regarding my
> granddaughter. MJ
> is 10 1/2 months old, exclusively breastfed by a stay at (my) home
> 19 y/o
> mother who practices attachment parenting. MJ nurses on demand, (we
> don't
> own any bottles)co-sleeps and has never been away from her mother
> for more
> than long enough for her mother to run to the grocery store.
>
> The problem is: The father of the baby wants overnight visitation.
> The
> parents have been trying to work together. He has been welcomed in
> our home,
> sometimes for overnight or 2, and she and the baby have spent
> overnights in
> their (he and his mother's)home. Now he's saying he wants 3 days
> every other
> weekend.
>
> He does not work (or pay child support) consistently, has had run
> ins with
> the law, and has significant anger management problems. She had to
> call the
> police last night while I was working because he was shouting,
> slamming
> doors, waking the baby etc etc etc.
>
> I have tried reasoning with him, showing him E. Baldwin's research
> and so
> forth. He feels that I have "doctored" the papers because I work
> and the
> hospital and can do that. (I wish I had that kind of pull!)
>
> Does anyone know of any other research or suggestions we can make?
> He seems
> to think that nursing is the issue, we keep telling him that secure
> attachement is the issue.
>
> Please forgive me for the personal nature of this post. I'm just so
> desperate to do what is best for this baby and her parents. I've
> also had
> nursing mothers in similar situations and wondered what to tell
> them. Thanks!
> Debra Ray, RNC, IBCLC
>
--------------------------------
Naomi Bar-Yam Ph.D.
[log in to unmask]
Researcher, Writer, Educator
in Maternal and Child Health
--------------------------------
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