Jean Cotterman wrote about "breastfeeding train wrecks" being like
threatened miscarriage and breastfeeding "failure" being like miscarriage.

Yes. We do not have to lose a loved one to grieve. People grieve when they
lose their possessions in a fire or from theft; when they lose part of their
bodies or a bodily or mental function through illness, accident, or surgery;
when they expected a healthy baby that meets society's standards of
"normalcy" and gave birth to a child with a congenital disorder; when they
expected a natural birth and experienced a cesarean; when some, most, or all
of the culturally based beliefs and behaviors a person grew up with are not
effective in the host country after immigration; when some, most, or all of
the culturally based beliefs and behaviors a person grew up with are not
effective in parenting; etc. Whenever a human being has emotionally invested
in a thing, process, idea, belief, person, capability, expectation/dream,
etc., its loss will evoke the grief response. We sometimes don't realize
that we have emotionally invested in something until we lose it. Grieving
any such loss is a normal, healthy, and useful process for human beings.

I have long believed that not grieving the loss of breastfeeding has
profound implications for a mother's well-being, for her children's
well-being (current and future), and for her capacity to provide
breastfeeding support to another mother. Here in the US (and increasingly
around the world), we have an entire generation of people currently in
positions of power in government, industry, academia, medical institutions,
etc., who did not breastfeed (or whose partners did not breastfeed), who
perhaps tried to breastfeed but could not due to any number of barriers, and
who were very unlikely to have had any support for grieving this loss.

The book I mentioned earlier by J. William Worden, "Grief Counseling and
Grief Therapy," includes an entire chapter: "The Counselor's Own Grief." In
that chapter, he writes: "In addition to challenging our own need to be
helpful, the experience of bereavement in others also touches the counselor
personally in at least three more ways. First, working with the bereaved may
make us aware, sometimes painfully so, of our own losses. This is
particularly true if the loss experienced by the bereaved is similar to
losses that we have sustained in our own lives. If this loss is not
adequately resolved in the counselor's life, it can be an impediment to a
meaningful and helpful intervention...."

Losses related to childbearing are poorly supported in the US (and I suspect
in most Western or Westernized societies). Mothers grieving a cesarean are
often told: "The most important thing is that the baby is healthy". Mothers
grieving a loss in pregnancy (e.g., miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, still
birth) are often told "You can always have more children" or "It wasn't
meant to be". Mother's grieving the loss of breastfeeding as they had
envisioned it are told, "At least you've found a way to feed the baby" or
"Formula feeding is just as good as breastfeeding." These kinds of responses
negate the loss, tell the mother that what she is feeling is wrong and that
there is something wrong with her for grieving the loss, and, in effect,
"shut her up." The absolute last thing a grieving person needs is to have
the opportunity to express their thoughts and feelings curtailed. "Keeping a
stiff upper lip" will not move us through grief. Grieving is not weak. It is
hard, brave, and worthy work. It is also one of the hardest processes for
others to support in societies where those others have had to stifle their
own grief of many losses throughout life.

Whenever I have the opportunity to help a mother grieve a loss of any kind,
I consider it a privilege with far reaching impact. If anyone is not sure
how to help with grief, consider reading these:

Worden, J. W. Grief counseling and grief therapy: A handbook for the mental
health practitioner. New York: Springer Publishing Company, Inc. 2002.

Good Mojab, C. Helping breastfeeding mothers grieve. Ammawell website 2002.
Online: http://home.comcast.net/~ammawell/helping_mothers_grieve.html

Warmly,

Cynthia

Cynthia Good Mojab, MS clinical psychology, IBCLC, RLC
Ammawell
Website: http://home.comcast.net/~ammawell
Email: [log in to unmask]
Announcement only email list: [log in to unmask]

             ***********************************************

To temporarily stop your subscription: set lactnet nomail
To start it again: set lactnet mail (or digest)
To unsubscribe: unsubscribe lactnet
All commands go to [log in to unmask]

The LACTNET mailing list is powered by L-Soft's renowned
LISTSERV(R) list management software together with L-Soft's LSMTP(R)
mailer for lightning fast mail delivery. For more information, go to:
http://www.lsoft.com/LISTSERV-powered.html