I think that quite often, dads want to be supportive, they just don't know
how to show that support. Men tend to be very "solution" oriented. If they
can't fix the problem, they don't know what else to do. I think it can be
very hard for a dad to watch as his partner struggles with breastfeeding
issues, because they feel very helpless. 
I find that when working with dads, you have to be quite direct and to the
point. When I'm working with a mom and baby and the dad is present, I'll
often say to the dad "How are you feeling about the way things are going? Do
you have any questions or concerns?". Asking dad directly about his feelings
can start a conversation which leads to the opportunity to offer practical
advice about ways that dad can be supportive. Another approach is to say
(for example) "It can be difficult watching as your wife struggles with
breastfeeding, would you like some suggestions about ways you can help?".
When dad says "yes", then you can offer the usual suggestions of helping by
looking after mom, changing diapers, having skin-to-skin time with baby,
holding, rocking, singing to baby etc. Putting emphasis on the fact that
supporting mom directly affects the baby can be helpful. Reminding the dad
for example, that when he feeds his wife, he's feeding his baby. Giving dad
something to do by (for example) showing the dad how to help mom with
positioning can be helpful, because it gets dad involved in the process of
breastfeeding, and helps dad to feel useful. 
It can also be important to encourage moms to LET dad help. Often dads feel
very uncertain about handling a baby, and give up on trying to help because
as soon as they try, mom rushes in and says "you're not doing it right"
(even if it's not in so many words, and it isn't intentional). It can be
hard for moms to control the desire to take over when they see dad doing
something differently from the way they would do it. From my personal
experience: my husband was very nervous with our son as a newborn, and he
would often try to hand our baby back to me when he was feeling unsure of
himself. I made a point of NOT taking over, and assuring my husband that he
was doing fine. Pretty soon, my husband was very proud of himself that he
could hold the baby in one arm and walk around talking  on the phone at the
same time! It was hard sometimes to keep my mouth shut, but unless my
husband was (inadvertently) doing something unsafe (or was putting a diaper
on backwards), then I tried very hard to let him find his own way of doing
things. I believe that this helped my husband to be as supportive as he was
because he felt confident with our son.
Many LLL groups have couples meetings that dads can attend, and they can be
a great place for dads to learn how to be supportive, and hear stories from
other dads.

Fleur Bickford RN, LLLL
Ontario, Canada

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