Boy, I sure don't want to spend any more time listening to people who have
made me feel terrible about myself.  Esp. if what I was struggling to do was
difficult for me, and I felt clumsy, isolated, and uncertain to begin with.
This is what new moms feel like.  To protect themselves from the fear of
failure (which is very real -- just look at the statistics on how long bfg
lasts in the US) these women say things like:  I'm going to TRY to
breastfeed, etc.  If they go to a meeting where people act superior, or form
cliques where the "good" mothers are all "winners" and the ones who bottle
feed are "losers" or didn't try hard enough, it creates horrible feelings of
shame and humiliation which are never forgotten and rarely forgiven.

I have clients all the time who have had shame-filled contacts with peole
who thought they were promoting bfg.  My first effort to win the chance to
try to help them is to immediately and humbly beg their forgiveness on
behalf of the universe.  I empathize about how that insensitivity must have
hurt, and I ask them to please give me a chance to help them experience one
of life's sweet pleasures.  I mean none of this figuratively. I literally
say these very words -- esp. the beg for forgiveness part.

You can't help someone who doesn't trust you, and why should people trust a
representative of a community whom they felt judged and condemed by?  Our
job is to hone our counseling skills and to always talk respectfully to
clients.  We must tell the truth (state the facts) but withold the
judgementalism.

What I might say to that class of women who've been burned is:

"I'm so sorry your experience with La Leche League was negative.  Some
groups do perhaps seem like a closed circle, and it's hard to undo that
impression, although many groups are warm, accepting, and eager to help moms
who are struggling.  I appreciate, too,  that it can be hard to relate the
first time you see an older nursing child.  It isn't all that unique, but
it's somewhat foreign to our culture. I am sure that all of you did the very
best you could at the time, probably without nearly any of the help you
deserved to make bfg  easier and more fun.

 Can I share with you some information I have, though, about some
fascinating benefits of bfg for MOTHERS? It may make you glad you spent some
time breastfeeding.   One of the scientists in one of the studies that I'm
going to give refs for actually says that, given the epidemic of breast
cancer in the US, making the decision to breastfeed may be one of the only
really useful protections a woman may employ to reduce her risk. "
(Laydee, et al The Independent Associations of Parity, Age at First Full
Term Pregnancy, and Duration of Breastfeeding With the Risk of Breast
Cancer. J Clin Epidemiol 1989; 42(10):963-73)


Barbara Wilson-Clay BSEd, IBCLC
Austin Lactation Associates
http://www.lactnews.com

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