This came across my desk and I couldn't resist. Hope you enjoy it as much as
I did Marie Davis.
A ton of forwards deleted
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If Babies Were Made Using High Tech Development Practices
Mr: Dear, I've announced to the world that we're going to have a baby.
Mrs: What?!?! We still haven't worked out the bugs in the sex thing. We
can't deliver a baby! The house isn't big enough. We don't own a Volvo.
And you've no idea what the business end of a diaper looks like.
Mr: No matter. We'll find some consultants who know how to get the job done,
and they'll help us through it.
Mrs: Consultants???
Mr: Now, how long will it take you to develop a baby?
Mrs: Well, let's see... 3-4 months to get pregnant, 9 months to develop, a
few hours to deliver. Let's call it an even year.
Mr: Hmmmmm. That won't do at all. I told the world that the baby would be
delivered, bug free, in 6 months.
Mrs: I can't do that!! It's impossible!!
Mr: Remember dear, we specialize in the impossible. We'll coach you, give
you meaningless vision statements, provide free food, and make the delivery
room more comfortable than your home. Just put in more hours and you can do
it. Either that, or we'll just have to find someone who will.
Mrs: Find someone who will???
Mr: Now let's get busy. What's the little freezer contraption for?
Mrs: Let me show you how that thing works! You just attach it here and here
and TIGHTEN IT UP!
Mr: OUCH!! Cut that out!
6 months later...
Mr: I can't understand it! How could this happen? The world is waiting for
our baby and you haven't finished it yet!
Mrs: I told you it would take a year.
Mr: But I hired the best consultants. I gave you vision statements and food.
Don't you like the delivery room?
Mrs: It's very nice, but the orchestra may be a bit much.
Mr: Maybe we can force the kid to come out and make an appearance! That would
calm the grandparents and make the everyone happy. How about it?
Mrs: Are you nuts? You can't deliver a baby 6 months early!
Mr: Maybe you can swallow a microphone and we can interview the little tyke.
We'll give Larry King an exclusive.
Mrs: I'm not going to swallow a microphone!! You'll just have to wait 6 more
months.
Mr: Fine! Grumble. Grumble. I know! I'll tell everyone that we're adding
enhancements. I know! I'll tell them that we're improving the kid's IQ!
It'll be late, but it'll be worth the wait!! Can I get a trademark on
that??
Mrs: Whatever!
3 months later...
Mr: My phone is ringing off the hook. The grandparents and friends won't
stop hounding me. They want to see this baby I've been promising them!
Mrs: Well, YOU shouldn't make promises I can't keep.
Mr: We've got to do something! Everybody is expecting a baby!!
Mrs: I keep trying to tell you. It won't be ready for another 3 months.
Can't you get that through your thick skull?
Mr: Why don't you work harder? That's it. Put in more hours!
Mrs: This thing is a 24 hour a day job now!!! I can't sleep. My back is
hurting. I have to pee every 15 minutes. I can't get enough to eat. What
more do you want from me?!?
Mr: Just try harder!
Mrs: Go talk to your garden tractor and leave me alone!
3 months later...
Mrs: I've got great news! The baby is due any time now. Isn't that
wonderful?
Mr: Wonderful? Wonderful? What's so wonderful about it?
Mrs: Now what are you talking about?
Mr: Everything's changed! People don't want a plain baby anymore. The
neighbors are delivering these incredible babies. We can't go to the in-laws
and friends with a run-of-mill baby. We'll be the laughing stock!!! We
won't be able to hold up our heads!
Mrs: Well, you're getting this baby now whether you like it or not!
Mr: No!
Mrs: What do you mean "No!"?
Mr: Stop production right now.
Mrs: I can't stop production! It's a baby, not a refrigerator!
Mr: We'll redesign it. We'll add all the things that the neighbors have,
plus we'll give it an extra arm. I'm sure we can redesign the kid and tack
it on someplace.
Mrs: What!!!
Mr: Postpone delivery!! I'll call a press conference! What was that thing I
said about being late but worth the wait? Where did I put my day-timer?
It'll be a bit awkward, but it'll work.
Mrs: Contractions!!!!
Mr: What!
Mrs: Better take me to the hospital!
Mr: What about the extra arm?
Mrs: Forget it! Unless you get me to the hospital right away, you will be
the quality control for this job! I saw you pass out when you cut your
finger. You don't want to be in charge on this one, believe me! If you
want to wait for an extra arm, how about if I just rip one of yours off and
give it to the kid???!!! AWWWWWWWW!!!! Get me to the hospital! NOW!!!
Mr: Okay, okay!!! But next time, I want a kid with an extra arm. You can be
so insensitive... Does it really hurt that bad?
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