I'm with Kathy on this one.  I delivered my twins at term.  No complications
in the pregnancy whatsoever.  I loved my babies from the first moment I heard
about them and fantasized for 9 months what life would be like with them.
With a breech and transverse lie, a vaginal delivery was out of the question.
 When my daughter broke the amniotic sac, I went into labor immediately, and
was 4cm by the time I arrived at the hospital.  Fetal monitor showed 2
healthy heartbeats as they rushed to get me ready for my c-section.  Kate was
out before I knew it and crying lustily.  All I heard the doctor say about
Jason was "This was has meconium".  I wasn't a labor and delivery nurse at
the time, but I did know this wasn't a good thing.  I kept asking "Is he
crying?"  The anesthesiologist kept saying "No, not yet."  Finally someone
told me that he was on a ventilator and I wouldn't hear him cry.  It seemed
like forever, but the pediatrician came over and told me my son had died.  I
couldn't believe it.  I kept saying to take him to Children's Hospital and
that I had eaten yogurt and other healthy foods.  My shock and depression
lasted for months.  I lost weight rapidly and had no appetite.  I couldn't
sleep when my daughter slept, so fearful I might lose her too.  I had birth
and death in one fell swoop.  I felt schizophrenic.  Racked with depression
and guilt, the autopsy revealed nothing to make me feel any better.  Doctors
felt he died from overcrowding and most probably compressed his own cord.
I nursed my daughter until she self-weaned at a year of age and was told
(this was 21 years ago) that I could not take antidepressants and breastfeed.
 I remember thinking if I put Kate in the freezer while she slept, then I
could defrost her later and have another baby to are for.  Of course I never
acted on these thoughts and she is alive and well today, but the thoughts
were there and very real, none the less.  My grief has lasted a lifetime.
Not a year goes by that I don't remember every moment of that fateful day.
If one more person says "Be thankful.  At least God left you with one baby" I
think I will hit them.  Reactive depression, postpartum depression, must be
respected.  It is a terrible thing to go thru.  The lonliness and despair and
isolation are monumental.  I am sorry for the long post, but having made it
thru this time in slow motion, one painstaking moment after another, I feel
the importance of conveying how much support a nurse friend was to me.  She
alone kept me breastfeeding.  I was a single mother at the time.  My own
mother asked me "Why are you crying?" when she called one week after their
birth.  Her comment was "You have a baby to take care of.  Now you must snap
out of it."  SIGH.  Well, I hope this helps someone out there.  I am no
longer paralized by the loss.  My life has moved on.  My daughter is in
college and I'm married to a wonderful man who adopted her.  I will never
forget my experience though.  I never knew such depression could exist.
Loni Denman, RN, IBCLC

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