In a message dated 97-01-31 19:06:43 EST, you write:

<< Students and staff nurses
 felt very good when an ill baby or young child smiled just for them, or
 responded to their care with visible affection.  It was troubling to me to
 see how easy it was for caregivers to become rivals with parents for the
 child's affection.  I felt that sometimes when staff urged a mother to go
 down to the cafeteria or go home for the night, or otherwise take a break
 from staying with the hospitalized child, some of this rivalry was going
 on.  Sometimes people would become quite annoyed with parentsa who wouldn't
 leave. >>


Anne, I totally agree with you.  One of my friends had a 32 week preemie and
was having feelings of failure.  It was her fault the baby was early, her
body failed and she couldn't stay pregnant long enough.  Then because the
baby needed special care and had to be in the NICU, SHE couldn't care for
it--obviously she wasn't good or smart enough to care for her baby. But the
nurses were.  All the scrubbing and gowning before going in also reinforced
to her she wasn't clean/good enough for her baby. The only thing she could
give her baby was love.   THEN as she was scrubbing and gowing to go into the
unit she was looking through the glass at her baby.  The nurse who was
holding him KISSED HIM ON THE HEAD!  THAT DID IT!!! THEY COULD EVEN GIVE HIM
LOVE!  She was totally unnecessary and even harmful to her baby due to her
failures.  She  refused to go back to visit the baby for 4 days!!  Her
husband was beside himself and couldn't figure out what was wrong with her
and she couldn't verbalize this to anyone for years, because she didn't
understand it herself.

New parents are such fragile creatures.  They are in the very early stages of
acquiring the parental role.  They are NOT secure or confident, and what
anyone does, especially a doctor or nurse does with their authority, power
and control or the childs care, profoundly affects how the parent feels and
subseqently behaves.

On a tour of the maternity unit for pregnant couples here in Lynchburg, a
nurse told them "It's OUR baby while you are here.  Then when you go home it
is YOUR baby." with a smile on her face.  The couple that told me this were
obviously upset and saw the statement for what it was; arrogant, patronizing
and wrong.  They changed doctors and hospitals because of that, but most of
the couples passively accepted it and believed it!  It is shameful that
people in positions of power take advantage of others when the opportunity
arises.  I question if the professionals who do this have any control over
the rest of their lives.  Major EGO problems here.  Behaving this way gives
them feelings of adequacy, control and power that must be missing in other
parts of their lives.  They are to be pittied, but not to the extent that we
let them continue this behavior.

Jane Bradshaw RN, BSN,IBCLC
and Jay, I love it!  Counseling yourself about positioning and latch on
sounded like a great idea.  We all have 'brain dead' periods in our lives and
giving birth and 24 hrs of no sleep certainly gives you an excuse for
anything.  Your brain was working well enough to think up this great
strategy!  I am going to try counseling myself the next time I'm brain dead
and having trouble functioning!