I liked Jay's response on this one; I particularly appreciate his pointing
out where our role in this question is, to support the family's decision.
Maybe they need our input and experience to find ways to implement their
choice, but we can't sort it out for them. Or give them the old "don't worry
about it, he'll stop when he's ready" line - obviously they ARE upset, or
they wouldn't be asking for our help.
Having said that, I'll add my two cents' worth about what worked for me. By
18 months, my first child was very verbal (what can I say, my kids are big
talkers? wonder where they got that from?), and what was most effective at
helping change some of behaviours we wanted to change with him was plain old
talking about it with him. Calmly, matter-of-factly, not with hints of
threat or punishments or anything.
I know it sounds kind of ridiculous, but I remember well that when he was 18
months, we (actually *I* - he thought it was just groovy!) had a really
aggravating problem of his wanting a bottle of juice to lug around all the
time and even go to sleep with. (Don't all jump on me at once - by the time
my next 2 were born, a bottle of juice never passed their lips, but I was
young & foolish then...) I knew it was bad for his teeth, and I found it
embarrassing and aggravating to always have to keep the kid equipped with
juice bottles all day & all night, wherever we went & whatever we were
doing. I tried all the tricks I could think of to get rid of the darn
thing - hiding it, watering down the juice w/water, even putting in
yucky-tasting juice, plain old refusing to let him have it, anything I can
think of. (Remember, I was young & inexperienced, and afraid of inflicting
some deep damage...)
One day I had to go to the dentist, and I had him with me. The dentist
noticed him standing there, seemingly surgically attached to the stupid
juice bottle, and yet fully able to converse and ask intelligible and
intelligent questions about what the dentist was doing. The dentist simply,
in a conversational tone of voice but pretty authoritatively, told Matthew
that the bottle was bad for his teeth and that he really didn't need it any
more. Matthew on the spot handed over his bottle to me and said "Put bottle
away in backpack - no more bottle".
That was it - end of story. No crying for it, no asking for it, no more
searching & fussing, nothing. No outbreak of "demanding" behaviour to
"compensate" for the "removal" of this precious thing (all of which I was
deathly afraid of back then) - nothing. We went home, we made a simple thing
of washing all the bottles & putting them away, and he was done.
Who would have thought that a 20-month old baby would respond like that? I'm
sure that this wouldn't necessarily be an approach that would work with all
kids at that age, and certainly the mother knows her own child best, but
it's easy to forget that sometimes even very young children can respond to a
calm, simple verbal discussion. With authority, as the parent and grown-up
in charge, but not argumentatively or tentatively: "This is what we're going
to now, here's how we'll do it, and if it doesn't work well we'll try
something else". Worth a try, anyway, with nothing to lose!
Cathy Bargar RN, IBCLC
Ithaca NY
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