I really debated about saying anything further about the milk/soy
discussion, because it keeps getting confused with issues about the food
itself, when my point is about control.  Specifically, unsolicited efforts
to control the behavior of another.

LC work requires  delicate rapport-building in order to establish trust at a
time when women feel vulnerable and exposed.  I take a very thorough
history, but if I uncover the information that a mother smokes, for
instance, I do not say:  You should quit. She already knows that, but she is
an addict.  Her behavior is compulsive, and she is powerless over it until
such time as she becomes willing to change.  So,  I suggest she dose cigs
like a drug, stick with fewer than 10 a day if she can, and smoke outside
right after she nurses so the peak cotinine levels will occur prior to the
next feeding.  If she mentions that the baby is fussy, or slowly gaining, I
say:  "There has been published research connecting those issues to maternal
smoking."  Period.  I give information not attitude.  No matter how much I'd
like to tell her what to do in peripheral aspects of her life (the totality
of her diet, the philosophical orientation of her medical care, her sleeping
arrangements, etc), I know that if I jump right in with a reformer's zeal,
it will be pointless and prob. provoke feelings of shame followed by
resentment.  If she resents me for being intrusive, she will reject my bfg
advice along with everything else I've lectured about.

I find that by restraining my impulse to control others (always for their
own good, of course:) I often get the opportunity, over time, to very gently
and respectfully share other ways of looking at things.  This process begins
with accepting people where they are and by providing information without
intense emotion. When I shout, people can't hear my words, only the scary
and dominating tone of my voice.

Barbara Wilson-Clay BSEd, IBCLC
Austin Lactation Associates
http://www.lactnews.com

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