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Subject:
From:
Pam MazzellaDiBosco <[log in to unmask]>
Reply To:
Lactation Information and Discussion <[log in to unmask]>
Date:
Fri, 25 Jul 2008 18:26:54 -0400
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Leanne is from South Florida, where I work every day with moms dealing
with mothers and mother in laws! Someone always comes to 'help' and
only occasionally are they breastfeeding helpful.  I see my work as
more than the mother, as it says in our sop, we are there for the
family, the community, etc.  I have no problem answering grandmothers'
questions, and encourage the mother to invite anyone who will be her
support to our consult so we can talk after she and I are finished and
answer any questions. She usually gives me a heads up on who needs to
hear what, and I am happy to help her! I like to assume that most
grandmothers just love the babies to pieces and want them for their
very own...everyone loves the baby, and is sure they are better than
mother herself!  (Wonder all the time if they cannot remember the
feeling they had as a new mom when the grandmother input made them
nuts?!)

I would probably meet this grandmother where she is -- came to live
nearby and and attach to the baby and love the baby.  The daughter in
law, well, she is just part of what she has to deal with to be near
the baby. haha.  I would say how wonderful it is for the baby to be
cared for by someone who truly deeply loves her/him.  How lucky the
baby is to be getting the one one one constant attention and doting
grandmothers love to offer.  Then, I would add things like: You know,
we have learned so much these past years about breastfeeding, and you
are so lucky your grandbaby is getting breastfed! You must be so
thrilled that your baby is getting what so many babies have to do
without!  What a lucky grandbaby! Add to it the wine issue being a non
issue, etc.  Chances are she will call often.  What a great chance to
be told constantly how lucky the baby is, how lucky she is, how nice
it is for everyone that mother knows best, that her son is so
wonderful to look after his wife, what a great job she did as a mother
to raise a man who knows his wife comes first, etc. etc.  I really do
assume she wants to trash her daughter in law, but that is my own
cynical life experience with my own.  However, I like to think, meet
them where they are and guide them to the place they belong and never
let them know you are doing it!  It may help make a happier family,
and it protects the breastfeeding relationship by preventing yet
another interference from unsupportive people.

The truth is, unless abuse is an issue, I prefer a loving family
mother caring for a baby to a paid care provider doing a great job.
Love is something you can't pay for, and I believe babies know the
difference.  I may not like my mother in law...not even a
little....but, she loves her grandchildren and they love her.  I have
often tolerated her annoyance so they couold be in her care and have a
relationship with her.  Now, my own mother, that would be abuse, so no
way not ever.  I imagine this family is like many and boundaries and
relationships change and grow.  Helping the grandmother learn hers may
be easier if it comes from someone beside her son and his wife as well
as from them.

I hope for the baby's sake she finds a way to come to terms with the
healthy boundaries of a changing family dynamic.

Best,
Pam MazzellaDiBosco, IBCLC, RLC

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