I'm sorry, I just couldn't help it.  I've had my own personal runarounds
with HMOs, and this was just too good....

                    HMO Question And Answer Humor

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                    Q. What does "HMO" really stand for?
         A. The popular idea that "HMO" stand for "horrible medical
     organization" is untrue. It is actually a corruption of the phrase
   "Hey, Moe!" often shouted out by patients at Dr. Moe Howard during his
    early research on pain. Dr. Howard was the first to discover that a
   patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if her were
     poked hard enough in the eyes. Modern health plans have discovered
    that voice mail, pre-certification, gatekeeper doctors and referral
                        slips are equally effective.
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         Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
                        A. No, only those you need.
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     Q. I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the
                               doctor I want?
    A. Just slightly more difficult that choosing your parents. The HMO
       will provide you with a book listing all the doctors that were
     participating in the plan at the time the information was gathered
   several years ago. Aside from those doctors who have died, retired or
    left the state, the listings should fall into one of two categories.
    Those doctors who are no longer accepting new patients and those who
    will see you but are no longer part of the plan. You should call you
                  HMO voice mail for further instructions.
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                    Q. What are pre-existing conditions?
     A. This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when they
   want to talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately, we appear to be
                             pre-stuck with it.
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      Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
           A. You will need to find alternative forms of payment.
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     Q. My pharmacy plan covers only generic drugs, but I need the name
    brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomachache.
                             What should I do?
                        A. Poke yourself in the eye.
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             Q. What should I do if I get sick while traveling?
               A. Try sitting in a different part of the bus.
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    Q. I think I need a specialist, but my gatekeeper doctor insists he
     can handle my problem. Can a GP really perform a heart transplant
                            right in his office?
     A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $10
            co-payment, there's no harm giving him a shot at it.
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       Q. Will HMO health care be any different in the next century?
     A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by
                                   then.
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