the tremendous outpouring of support for megan's family and myself has been
moving beyond words......

megan's mom and dad came to my office today to return the pump she rented
and the sadness was overwhelming, both parents including megan's dad (who
never held her during her 4 sweet weeks of life)  were besides themselves
with the agony of their loss and all I could do was listen........

it has been a week and mom is still extremely upset.......exhausted and
bewildered.

the autopsy is done and they are awaiting the test results but preliminary
says nothing.....mom was glad she was sleeping with megan and although
there was blood from her nose noted before anything was done (CPR and all)
no discernable reason has been  found. (what physiological reason would
cause blood to appear? would simple apnea cause bleeding?)

the peds got the baby started on formula bottles at one week because baby
was still 2 ounces under birth weight(?) and mom reported that ever since
she started the "top off" bottles that her milk dwindled to nothing (with
little engorgement after megan passed on).......she had given her a 4am
bottle when she awoke at 7 am to find megan on her back with her head
turned toward mom, but blue.....

All the risk factors were there as mentioned in my previous post,  mom
feels "responsible" as in could she have done something, but she does not
feel that sleeping with her baby caused her demise,

we hugged alot and i listened and yet being so close I cannot comprehend
the emptiness she must feel.

I am not going to buckle under the pressure at the hospital I am going to
take my time, gather my data including a video I purchased of James
Mckenna's enlightening talk/ILCA and I plan to present my information at
perinatal meeting soon, to clear up any misunderstandings if possible....I
will stand strong with the encouragement you all have so lovingly shared.
I do not want to erase your mail but it is so sad to read again, we really
have a wonderful family here on LACTNET I thank you.....love ruthy.