What a poignant tale Anne has shared about the birth and life of her infant.  I am still weeping, as I write to her, and share my thoughts with you.

   No matter why a fetus  or newborn dies, or how long we knew in advance that it would happen, the pain never quite goes away.   But I believe  that it is most important to share the baby's life to the fullest extent possible.

Anne made a very important point about accepting who the baby was, and loving her as completely as she could, for as long as she could, as opposed to desensitizing herself to the coming loss by distancing herself from it and her baby.      I have long encouraged in this with the parents of babies who had small chance for prolonged life.  We must enjoy what we can, then grieve, not let our grief (and anger) get in the way of sharing what little bit of presence we have been granted.

 The saddest experience I have ever been part of  was a family, with two older children, who learned in the eighth month of pregnancy, that their  soon to be born daughter had no kidneys, and no hope for life.  They so totally distanced themselves from the pregnancy, that by the time mom went into labor it was like a movie they were forced to be at, but in no way were they going to watch or be part of it.  Mom took as many drugs as she could to not feel her labor.  Neither parent (nor later, grandparents) would even look at, much less hold, their exceptionally beautiful, seemingly perfect, 6-1/2 pound baby girl.  The baby died, as far as they were concerned, the moment they got the news -- and that was that.   The baby did not die alone and unheld in  the nursery, only because the L&D and NICU nurses were too attached, and held her continuously, until she died.

Sincerely,  Chanita, San Francisco