I first experienced depression in University awhen my dad had a massive
heart attack and one of my roommates attempted suicide all in the same
month.  It was awful.   I left school and went on Prozac for 1 yr.  I
thought I could never go through something so awfull ever again.  I was
wrong.  That depression had been terrifying but PPD was a thousand times
worse.

At first I thought it was just the baby blues.  I had had a great birth
experience,  8 hour labour , no meds, wonderful doctor, doula, my whole
family in delivery to welcome my son (11 people in the room when he was
born).  It was everything I had wanted the birth of my first child to be. So
I figured I'd wait it out for a few days and I would be back to normal.  But
it just wouldn't go away and was, in fact getting worse.  I thought I had
the flu  because I couldn't swallow food and I had diarrhea so bad that
every time I sat down to go pee, I also had a BM.   I couldn't sleep - even
when Ben was sleeping right next to me in his crib beside the bed ( so much
for co-sleeping, I was too paranoid of rolling on him).  If I did fall
asleep, I would wake feeling panicky and not be able to settle down again.
I cried all the time,  I was terrified to be left alone and couldn't leave
the house.

By far the worst symptom of my PPD was the fantasies.  PPD fantasies are
like having a VCR playing the same scene in your head over and over again
and the harder you try to make it go away, the more obsessive the thoughts
become.  I kept seeing myself dropping Ben and imagining how his body would
sound when it hit the floor.  I saw myself going to his crib and finding him
dead with SIDS and being so relieved because this horrible burden would be
gone, and through no fault of my own.  Other typical visions of women with
PPD include bloody knives, baby falling down stairs, baby in the oven etc.
I was so terrified of these fantasies and so ashamed.

Every second of every day that I was suffering with PPD felt like hours.
Every waking second actually hurt to be alive.  My whole body felt like how
your stomach feels when you have cried and cried for so long that you have
nothing left but you still can't stop crying. It felt like a hunger pain but
so much more painful, like when you get the wind knocked out of you and
can't catch your breath.  I would cry and cry and when I wasn't crying the
pain was even worse because  it took so much strength I didn't have not to
cry. During this time I had several anxiety attacks which continued to be a
problem even as I recovered.

I would look at Ben and feel no love for him.  Every bit of emotional energy
I had I used in just getting through the day, I had nothing left over for
anyone else, even for my beautiful baby. Usually I felt resentment or just
pity for this poor creature who had such a messed up mother who had
wanted him so badly before he was conceived and born but now that he was
here just wanted to give him away.  Because of my education and job, i truly
had believed that if every parent was as prepared as I, the world would be a
better place.  I couldn't believe that now that I was a mother, I felt so
unprepared, overwhelmed and sure that all the other mothers of the world had
just played a cruel joke by not letting me know it could be like this.  I
thought all the time of giving him away to my husbands cousin whose baby had
died two days after she was born a week after Ben.  when this tragedy
happened I really thought I would snap out of it and begin to appreciate how
lucky I was to have a healthy baby, it didn't.

I went on feeling like this and not telling anyone for about a month. I was
afraid to let any one know that I was depressed because I thought if I went
on meds, I would have to stop Breastfeeding  which, I felt was the only
thing I was doing properly for him.  Also, I was incredibly ashamed
and embarrassed being a Doula, Childbirth Educator, and Social Worker , and
generally very together person who  could not handle motherhood.  I truly
believed my career was over.  Finally it got to be too much, I was starting
to fantasize about running away or killing myself and when killing myself
started looking like the better option,  I swallowed my pride and called our
local health unit, and between sobs, told them what was going on. I then
called my husband at work and told him he had to come home right away.

I was referred to a wonderful woman, Pat who started me on the road to
recovery.  She told me that when I got better I was going to be a better
doula and a better person. (I thought she was nuts).  I learned that I could
breastfeed on meds and within two weeks started feeling a little
better.   I started going to a support group, ( the one I now facilitate),
and letting people help me.  I was very lucky to have an amazing support
system; my parents moved in for 3 months and I don't know what I would have
done without them.  I started really feeling better when I started talking
about my experience.  I had a real breakthrough the day I told my husband
and my parents about the horrible fantasies.  It felt so good not to have to
be alone with them in my head anymore.  I now had others to share the burden
and remind me that thinking these thoughts are normal when you have PPD and
do not mean you are going to harm your baby. (voices in your head or
hallucinations are of course another matter, probably related to Postpartum
Psychosis which does usually require immediate hospitalization to protect
mom and babe.  This is very rare, something like one in 2000 births)

I see so many women who have suffered so much longer than I did.  We have a
woman in my group who had her baby 27 years ago and says she lost years of
her life because she was so ashamed of her feelings for her baby.  I was so
lucky to have such an amazing support system including a great support
group, my Husband, and Pat, the RN who had had PPD herself.  She found me a
doctor who was informed about PPD and meds and had me come in for weekly
check-ins.  I cannot state how important a good physician is.  Over half the
women in my group have changed doctors over issues regarding their PPD. And
yes,  through all of this I also had a wonderful Doula who had no idea that
I had a history of depression because I was too ashamed to tell her.  She
says she sort of thought something was up but I was very good at hiding my
symptoms.  Once I told her, though, She was an amazing support and it
changed our relationship so much for the better.  Her support
throughout the whole experience, as well as her encouragement in my efforts
to help others means so much to me.

So that is the short version (believe it or not) of the most life changing
experience I have ever had.  I still often try to figure out why this
happened to me.  As I said, I have a history (my own and family) of
depression and I think this was the biggest contributing factor.  I think
the "why" of PPD is a intricate combination of factors for each woman but my
own  theory for myself is this:  when I had my baby and delivered the
placenta (which had taken over production of the hormones for regnancy and
therefore delivered myself of a major load of hormones) my body noticed this
major change in equilibrium, my brain interpreted it as a crisis, and these
factorstriggered a depression.  Not to say that I did not have other issues
contributing to my PPD (I'm a control freak for one!).   I  do feel that I
needed to take drugs in order to give my brain time to heal, so that my body
could heal, and I could then begin to deal with the normal adjustments to
motherhood.

As things stand now, one year later,  I never thought that love like I feel
for my son existed in the universe and he seems to have suffered no ill
effect from the experience.  My husband and I love each other very much but
still struggle at times.  It is easy to forget about the partners of women
with PPD.  They go through such a difficult time because it is , in fact,
their experience as well. It is generally recommended that couples who go
through PPD seek counselling as soon as the woman's emotional and physical
health has stabilized.

What I hope to get across by telling my story is that we need to share our
experiences as mothers more honestly, and learn from each other, support
each other. I now truly believe that I am a better person, a better mother,
wife and Doula because of what I went  through, and I really hope my work as
a Doula can if not prevent, help to make other women's journeys into
motherhood a little easier.   Being open about the realities of motherhood
is so important. I now have, as a very important part of my services as a
Doula, a postpartum plan.  And I hope I convey to my clients that they need
to have realistic expectations of themselves as parents, and that the first
year of your first baby's life is the most jam-packed educational experience
you will ever have.

Corrine Mahar-Sylvestre
Quinte Doula Service
Postpartum Support Program of Quinte
[log in to unmask]

             ***********************************************
The LACTNET mailing list is powered by L-Soft's renowned
LISTSERV(R) list management software together with L-Soft's LSMTP(TM)
mailer for lightning fast mail delivery. For more information, go to:
http://www.lsoft.com/LISTSERV-powered.html