Dear Lactnetters,
        Thanks so much for all the wonderful support, advice, suggestions,
and stories that you shared with me.  I have talked by phone to my friend
(Richard) whose wife died this summer of metastatic lung cancer (official
diagnosis -- she was not a smoker, nor was anyone in her family or
workplace).  I am planning to go visit him the end of next week, in Houston.
We dealt head-on with the issue of his daughter not being breastfed.  She is
currently staying with his in-laws in Florida, until he decides if he will
stay in Houston or move back to upstate New York with the kids (probably the
latter).  He laughed and said how ironic it was that he, of all people,
should have a bottle-fed baby, and how if someone had told him a year ago
that his new baby would be bottle-fed, he would never have believed it.
Because who could believe or imagine such a tragedy.  But, even though the
baby was taken by C-section very early, and weighed just over 3 pounds at
birth, she has been completely healthy so far, with no respiratory problems
or anything.  He said that I was the only one of his family/friends that he
could talk to about how sad he is that his daughter is missing out on the
wonderful breastfeeding relationship, and how much he wished that his wife
could have nursed her even once or twice.  Unfortunately, she was much too
sick by the time the baby was born, and died about 3 weeks later.  He is
debating what to do with his life now.  His job is 1.5 hours away from their
home, so he commutes 3 hours each day.  They have only a few friends locally
and no family -- wife's family is in Florida, and his father and sister in
upstate New York.  He will probably pick up and move to New York and try to
get settled with the two kids.  If anyone knows of job opportunities in the
Burlington, Vermont or Plattsburgh, New York area, let me know!  Richard has
a Master's degree in physical anthropology, and has been working for some
years now at a teaching hospital as the director of research for the family
practice medical residents program there.  So he knows research, hospital
administration, teaching, family practice medical residencies, etc.  He is
looking for anything, at this point, including teaching physical
anthropology at local colleges or universities.  He also mentioned to me
that it was nice to be able to talk to someone who *hadn't* known his wife
personally, so that the person could focus on HIS grieving, instead of their
own personal grief!  Interesting insight.  I really appreciate all the time
and support you've given me -- it helped a lot.  I'll keep you all posted.
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Katherine A. Dettwyler, Ph.D.                         email: [log in to unmask]
Anthropology Department                               phone: (409) 845-5256
Texas A&M University                                    fax: (409) 845-4070
College Station, TX  77843-4352