Hi all! I just wanted to forward a post I put in a few of
breastfeeding/bottlefeeding bulleting boards in response to ABM mom's
critisizing advocates of breastfeeding for "making" them feel guilty.
Someone posted here about guilt vs. informed consent.  If they would like
to use any of this stuff, please email privately! Hope this is not off-
topic! Thanks!

--After reading so many posts from women who believe breastfeeding
advocates are a source of guilt for mothers who by choice or chance
ormula feed their babies, I have decided to voice my opinion on this
issue.  NO ONE can MAKE you feel guilty.  Guilt is an emotion that comes
from within when you know you have done something that YOU know is
inappropriate.  This may be feeling guilty for not telling the grocery
store clerk she gave you too much change, for taking your baby out of the
car seat "just this once," or for not feeding your baby the very best
infant food.  If you really believed that what you were doing wasthe
"right" thing, you would NOT feel guilty no matter what ANYONE said to you.

Sleeping with our babies in this society is not considered normal.  My
pediatrician frowns upon it, my family thinks my daughter will "never
leave" my bed, and I read in "parenting books" that experts say she will
be too dependent or never learn to sleep on her own.  I NEVER feel guilty
for having her inbed with me. NEVER.  No matter what any "advocate" of
crib sleeping says, I will never feel guilty, because I do know that what
I am doing IS right for me and my baby.  The same is true for parents who
formula feed after evaluating their own situation, and deciding that this
is the right thing for them.  Some babies really do have to have an
alternative to breast milk:
        -Babies with galactosemia, a rare but formula dependent condition.
        -Babies with PKU, usually this requires formula feeding as well.
        -Babies of mother's who have died.
        -Mothers with breast cancer undergoing treatment.
        -Mothers who have had SOME types of breast surgery.
        -Mothers who adopt babies, though some women can with enough
        advanced notice, and a newborn infant, successfully breastfeed.
        -Mothers who have viruses that can be passed through their milk,
        and be harmful to their babies.

All of these are reasons to use alternatives to breast milk, and NO ONE
should EVER feel guilty knowing that these babies are receiving their own
"best" form of infant nutrition.

On the other hand, if you know nothing about the differences between
artificial feeding and breastfeeding, or if you DO know the differences,
and *choose* to feed your baby formula instead of breast milk, your guilt
comes from YOUR OWN knowledge that breastfeeding is better.  Not from
"lactonazis" or "militants," but from your own mind.

I feel awful whenever I cousel a woman who has no family support, bad
medical information, and who seeks help too late.  This happens so much
in our society.  The big difference with these women is that they tried
*everything* to be able to give their babies breast milk, and through no
fault or *choice* of their own, ended up switching to the alternative.
These women are in some respects *better* mothers than the ones who never
had a day of nipple soreness, have a huge support system, and breastfeed
for 3 years-- because they worked like hell to do the BEST.  These women
are not the ones feeling guilty, and if they are, thay are the moms who
will USE that guilt to do it differently next time.

There are so many things that we could do better with our children--
especially our firstborns.  We are new at our jobs as parents, and are
entitled to make errors in judgement.  Sometimes we loose our patience
and howl right along with the 8 week old in the third hour of colic.
Then we feel guilty.  This is good, because next time we learn not to
loose it.  Sometimes we take the baby out of the car set "just for a
minute" and we later hear on the news of the baby who died in the
accident.  We feel guilty.  That is good, because next time we leave the
baby in the car seat.  We make a lot of mistakes and choices that we
would not repeat if given the opportunity, but NO ONE else makes us feel
the guilt for these things.  That is our internal sense of right and
wrong, and everyone has his/her own system.

If you feel guilty for not breastfeeding, or for choosing to formula
feed, then it is because you know in your heart that it was not the right
choice.  Don't dwell on it-- USE it!  Next time, get the help you need,
and do what your heart is telling you is right!

Heidi Murphy