I think many of us have feared to fill Lactnet with messages of condolence to the American Lactnetters, but it has been so quiet that I feel bold enough to send this post.

I've been dealing with grief issues, both personally and in helping calls, over the last several months and have pondered grieving a great deal.  I hope you don't mind me sharing my thoughts, some of which may strike a chord with someone.

Many of us deal with grief counselling in our helping of mothers.  If we are helping a Mom deal with a loss of her baby - or spouse, or parent - we give practical help where possible, with space to grieve but we let her know that we are available to her.   We listen to her cry and we definitely *do not* expect her to continue as usual.  Kathleen Bruce, I know that you asked us to continue discussing breastfeeding topics, and thank you for the lovely hope-filled image of a butterfly emerging from its chrysallis.  However I don't think we should avoid discussing this topic that is on so many minds right now (and you very wisely didn't suggest it).

We know in grief that there is still laughter and normalcy.  Some of us will be able to send in normal posts, maybe even something to make us smile or give us hope.  It is not a betrayal of our loved ones if we can carry on with the joys of life at times.  Others will want to put this out of their minds for now, and many of us have probably dealt with people who do not wish to discuss their grief with strangers.  

We felt and watched the initial stages of grief unfolding hourly on TV - the shock, the denial & disorganisation and now the anger.  No doubt there will be some who experience survivor guilt and depression.   Hopefully all will come to the final stage of reorganisation and acceptance - not "acceptance" in that such a terrible thing should have happened, but acceptance that it DID happen and yet life goes on.   In my reading of grief counselling texts, I've learnt that we travel these stages differently and may skip some stages while returning repeatedly to some stages.  There is not going to be a set time when we are all "done grieving", but gradually more and more of us will pick up the pieces and come back to discussing breastfeeding and support as we are able.  

I've often noticed a weird thing about support and loss.  Sometimes the bereaved person has to comfort outsiders or newcomers who come to learn about the loss later, and they are often amazingly strong in this, until the newcomer has assimilated and can move into the role of supporter. I have a vivid memory of a bereaved father (who had accidentally killed his toddler by reversing over him) gently comforting an absolutely overcome friend at the funeral.

I guess I mean by this that those of us from outside also need you on the inside to talk about it too, even as we try to support you.

Please know that seeing those dreadful images has touched us all.  When I heard, I felt that I just had to phone my husband 1000 miles away, and my SIL had to phone my brother on board ship off the coast of Namibia.  He told her that *all* the wives were phoning.  If we can feel the need to draw in to our families from so far away, how much stronger must this need be for you in the midst of your torment.  Thank God for families.

With heartfelt love
Jacquie Nutt
Wellington, South Africa

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