I received an e-mail from someone wanting information on how
mothers can protect the breastfeeding relationship in divorce cases.
Apparently, this person has a friend whose husband left while she was
pregnant.  She wants to breastfeed, and wanted to know what information was
out there to help.
        First, in most states the primary goal is to help the child to have
a bond with both parents when they separate.  It does not matter if they
were married or not.  Breastfeeding is usually recognized as best for the
child, but the courts will not pick breastfeeding, or one parent's bond,
over the other.  The best way parents can protect the breastfeeding
relationship is to show how the father's bond can be encouraged and
promoted, while the mother's bond and breastfeeding are not disrupted.  With
a young baby or child, this generally translates into short, frequent
visits, gradually increasing as the child grows older.
        Most jurisdictions have standard visitation - every other weekend -
which is really designed for school age children.  Very few jursidictions
deal with under school age children, and weekend visitation can be very
difficult for a baby or young child to handle, breastfed or not.  This is
one reason why Texas' standard weekend visitation does not apply to children
under the age of 3.  In that case, the Judge must look at many different
factors in fashioning visitation.  One circuit in Florida has developed
visitation guidelines that take the needs of young children.  It calls for
short, frequent visits until age 2, at which time one overnight visit would
take place.  Weekends would occur at age 3, and week long visits in the
summer after kindergarten.  Although many experts believe that this is best
for securely attached children (kids not accustomed to lengthy separations
from a primary caretaker) there are cases all the time that order
inappropriate visitation.  I have seen 3 mo. old babies sent off for 2 weeks
in the summer. 4 mo. olds off for 4 day visits every other weekend, or 13
mo. old breastfed babies visiting the father for 4 weeks in the summer.
Judges are usually just lawyers - not trained in child development or
separation needs.  And the norm in our society is to not nurture our young.
Many mothers are returning to work at 6 weeks, placing the baby in day care,
not breastfeeding, letting their baby cry it out at night, and leaving the
baby regularily on the weekend or for week long trips.  If the Judge's wife
did this, it may be hard for him to hear that a 6 mo. old, or a 15 mo. old
could not handle lengthy visits with Dad!  Now, I firmly believe that the
father's bond is just as important as the mother's bond.  However, the
father's bond flows from the secure base the child has with the mother.  The
mother's bond is born of biology - grows inside her body, and is nurtured
from her body.  However, babies need a mommy AND a daddy, not a mommy OR a
daddy.
        The best way to protect the breastfeeding relationship in a family
law case is to keep anger out of it, recognize that the baby needs a bond
with both parents, and work together for the child.  Parents can settle
their cases many different ways.  That is what mediation is all about!  And
you can have anything if you settle.  Letting a judge decide a case is often
like playing lotto. Help the child to have a good relationship with Daddy.
Keep things flexible.  Remember that children need frequent and continuing
contact with BOTH parents!!
        The best way to lose your family law case is to go in very angry,
bash the other side, get lots of needless restraining orders, and try to
restrict or supervise the other's access to the child. Unfortunately, this
is what many mothers do.  In the rare situation where there is true,
significant and proveable abuse, the parent must have good legal advice, and
be able to prove the facts in a way other than their sole testimony.
Alleging that the other parent is abusive is done so often it may fall on
deaf ears.  Proving that the other parent is abusive to the parent is not
enough in most places to restrict visitation, as there needs to be clear
proof that the parent would be a present danger to the child.  9 out of 10
cases have abuse alleged, and most get restraining orders easily.  However,
when abuse is alleged, and restraining orders given, the courts generally
will not allow the parents to have any contact with each other.  This
usually results in the baby going off for visits without the mother ever
being allowed to be present, and for longer visits.  If short, frequent
visits are not possible for any reason, the courts often see no choice but
to order the every other weekend, which involves less contact between the
parents.
        As courts will try to encourage both parents bond, if one parent is
trying to keep the child from the other, they are often deemed unfit for
that reason.  This can be grounds to give custody to the other parent.  For
example, moving far away, or fleeing, usually results in the other parent
being given custody. Alleging abuse and asking for very restricted
visitation has resulted in custody being given to the other parent in
several cases - the court may conclude that the parent will not give good
access to the child, and will poison the child's mind against the other parent.
        In fashioning visitation for young children,  I strongly recommend
that parents work together, keep it flexible, responsive to the child, and
frequent.  If that isn't possible, and they need a fixed, rigid visitation
plan (which is generally NOT best for the child), in home visits for 2-4
hours up to 6 mo. of age is generally appropriate, with out of home visits
to begin then.  Visits can increase an hour or two every month or so, until
two full days of visitation are worked up to.  Preferably overnights will
not begin until the child wants to go - between 2 and 3, but very few judges
have put overnights off past age 2.  Increasing a 12 hour overnight 3 hours
a month works up to full weekends one year later.  Week long visits can be
very traumatic to young children, and should not occur until at least age 5
or 6.
        It can be very difficult to protect the best interests of the child.
Often it is not convenient to the mother or the father.  Remembering that
they are babies for such a short period of time, and that they need to have
love from as many people as possible can help.  Counselling is viewed as a
very favorable thing to do - to help deal with the inevitable anger that
results from a relationship ending, to developing communication skills and
learning how to de-escalate situations where the fighting stops.
        Please feel free to e-mail me, or call if anyone wants more
information on this.  I wrote an article entitled "Is breastfeeding really a
visitation issue" that addresses much of this.  It is published in
Mothering, fall 1993 issue.
Elizabeth N. Baldwin,  Esq.   305-944-9100  Home office:  305-940-7873  Fax:
305-949-9029
E-mail:  [log in to unmask]    or    [log in to unmask]
Attorney specializing in breastfeeding and the law