I'm the one who needs to don an asbestos suit!! I seem to have set off a
firestorm with my comments about the mother in Idaho not having made any
contingency plans for care for her children in case of an emergency. I
thought I was very clear in the original post that I didn't think she
should have to serve jury duty and that jury duty did not constitute an
emergency. However, I was addressing the broader issues when I wrote:
"I consider it somewhat *irresponsible of her* not to have developed backup
systems of childcare for emergencies."
Another LactNetter wrote:
>Having moved all over the US as a kid and later to England (several times) I
>know that if you are just a bit out of harmony with the surrounding culture,
>it can be hard to make connections, which you might be able to build into
>arrangements for your children.
I know it is difficult to develop good friendships if you move all the
time, or if you live in isolated circumstances (like on a farm outside of
town), or if you are the only stay at home mom with young children in your
town, or if you are very shy. Nevertheless, just like having life
insurance and health insurance, we need to spend some time figuring out
what would happen to our kids should we have some sort of emergency and
they would need to be cared for by someone else, and make sure everyone
relevant knows what those arrangments are.
Emergencies can include the mother having a heart attack or severe flu or a
car accident or something else where she needs to be in the hospital for
anywhere from a few days to several years (like my friend here in town, 1.5
years in the hospital is the prediction), or both parents dying, one of the
children requiring hospitalization and needing the mother there while the
other kids can't stay there, etc. etc. etc. We can all think of numerous
emergencies such as these. If we have no backup in place, then the kids
will be taken by the police to emergency foster care. Here in my town we
have a place called "Sheltering Arms" which is both for kids taken away
from abusive parents before placement in foster care, and for children
whose parent(s) cannot care for them temporarily, including things like
parental illness or accident, parent arrested and in jail, etc. I'm not
sure how it is funded -- donations and government grants, I believe. I
would want my children to go to another home, with people they had met and
knew, rather than being taken to emergency foster care. And I wouldn't
want my kids split up and distributed to several different places, which is
what can happen with emergency foster care.
>And should be we be saying that women *should* invest lots of energy in the
>early years of their children's lives in making them comfortable with going
>to other care-givers?
I guess I'm saying women should invest enough time and energy in the early
years of their children's lives that they themselves (the women) have
friends and neighbors who know the kids well enough that the kids would not
be traumatized by having to go stay with them should the need ever arise.
It can be as simple as play dates at the park or in each other's homes --
where the kids have met and interacted with the other kids and with the
other parents, and have seen their homes, so that the faces and the rooms
are at least familiar.
And I'm saying parents should invest enough time and energy to have set up
contingency plans in case both of them die -- they should have wills, that
include authorizing specific other adults to raise the children, so that
the children don't end up going to foster care, or being argued over by
different relatives, or be raised by the one sibling you can't stand, or
whatever. . . . this just seems like common sense to me, folks.
And then there are just all the different simple situations that come up
regularly -- like you have a flat tire and are going to be late meeting the
bus when the 7 year old gets off the bus. What is your back up plan? You
need to accompany one child to day-surgery and the other is a preschooler
and can't come along -- what do you do -- let the older one go by
themselves to surgery, or have a friend who can help out with the
preschooler, whom the preschooler feels comfortable with? When I needed to
go to the ER in December and my husband was out of town, I dropped one kid
off with the Cub Scout leader, and took the other with me. Two kids, when
I was in great pain, was too much to cope with at the ER. Years ago, when
one kid was in the hospital with pneumonia, and my husband was out of town,
the other kid couldn't stay overnight in the peds ward -- I had a friend
come get her and keep her for two days. I think children need to learn
that there are other adults in the world besides their parents who know
them, care for them, and who can be turned to in times of need.
And of course, we should all be willing to help out our own friends,
neighbors, co-workers, relatives, etc. when they need our help. My next
door neighbor's little boy *knows* he can come to my house after school if
for some reason his mother is not home. He knows me, he knows my kids, he
knows I like him, and that I'll give him a snack and he and Alex can play.
I'm not best friends with his mother, but we help each other out when
needed -- it's called neiborliness/community. My children's teachers would
willingly take care of my kids should I need them to.
>Emergency back-up is different, and why should this
>mother be told she should use -- and maybe use up -- her emergency back-up
>on jury duty?
*I* never said this. I said she shouldn't have to serve jury duty. But
this mother says she has no one at all, for any reason, not even emergency
back up, and I think that is irresponsible.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
-------
Katherine A. Dettwyler, Ph.D. email:
[log in to unmask]
Anthropology Department phone: (409) 845-5256
Texas A&M University fax: (409) 845-4070
College Station, TX 77843-4352
http://www.prairienet.org/laleche/dettwyler.html
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