Dear all:

I want to start with the fact that I completely understand Mary's frustrations. I am right 
there with her and over a glass of wine I would be happy to discuss carefully disguised 
cases that were hair pulling out events of the so-called interfering helpers.  I would 
happily discuss last resort measures to thwart these individuals in their undermining 
tactics.  BUT at the same time --- I think we need to evaluate tactics to convert them 
from interfering busy bodies to more innocuous activities.  

I have one mom who has been calling me on a frequent basis about a really awful court 
case over visitation rights and this is not a "partner" by any legal definition of the term.  
Can't share details but it is about the worst situation I have seen. Even though I thought 
at the moment of meeting the person who is suing for visitation rights that the person 
was a complete and total narcissistic jerk during my consultation --- and my opinion is 
completely validated by the court case that has ensued --- I did my best to present 
information in the best way I possibly knew to elicit some sort of support for 
breastfeeding. I don't feel bad about the fact that this person PREDICTABLY was not 
receptive but I do feel good about the fact that I did not automatically go into you are an 
unreceptive jerk mode and refuse to deal with this particular individual in a professional 
manner.  I am not arrogant enough to assume that I have always done so, but in this 
case I feel completely free of any guilt that I might have allowed my personal thoughts 
towards this person to interfere with reacting profesionally (maybe this person was so 
truly horrible that it made it easier. 

I suppose to address Mary's points, I should not have said "client" if someone is not hiring 
you.  But if we are asked a question from someone who asks about breastfeeding, I think 
there are ways that we can either help or hinder those who interact with breastfeeding 
mothers.  Even with doulas who give out advice that may completely mess up the 
relationship, I still try to find some way to convey information in a way that might 
actually result in a change in their behavior.  For instance, I did not know which doula had 
been giving out really bad advice about only using one breast at a time and scaring ALL 
mothers about foremilk hindmilk imbalance and creating a situation in which babies were 
failing to thrive because those babies need both breast.  Since there was no way to know 
which one it was, I tried to write as diplomatic as possible an email to a Listserve to talk 
about the problems of that approach and how many babies may really need both breasts 
and how to inform mothers about the cues of when to switch breast rather than following 
some arbitrary rules.  

Yes, I get many people who call for the mother and yes, I do tell them that the mother 
really needs to call me --- but if they are calling me they are asking for advice --- and 
why not take that as a potential teaching moment?  Brief, professional and not beyond 
what we feel would take us into the territory of giving a entirely free consultation.  
Sometimes a moment or two can make a slight difference and those moments can add 
up.  

AND I have also be very clearcut about confidentiality issues.  This is also where I think I 
was not clear enough for Mary.  Yes, we also have a responsibility to explain that when 
professionals at least (doulas, baby nurses, nurses) --- tattle on their clients --- we 
cannot respond about the individual person involved and that professional should not have 
relayed the specifics about the case to us.  I had a huge conversation once with a doula 
who had done this many many times about specific clients and I explained the HIPPA 
rules and I think we can also adopt this with other "helpers" who are family members.  
BUT I do think that it is well within ethical boundaries to explain the GENERAL issue 
involved without addressing the specifics.  And in this regard, I do think it is OK to 
politely explain to this grandmother why her concerns about alcohol are way off base in a 
way that she might understand.  And if we don't have time, we don't have to really 
educate her about anything because we are NOT being paid to do so.  But in light of the 
possible PRO BONO side of life --- if one has the energy, one can think of this as a 
teachable moment to help the helper back off.  It might help both parties involved.

And in the relative scheme of things --- I'd take this grandmother any day over one 
particular, not the majority or even the minority of pediatricians in this city that routinely 
puts babies in jeopardy.  In fact it is VERY clear that this particular grandmother already 
shot herself in the foot.  The couple probably won't be impacted as much as the 
grandmother that made a fairly common and yet fairly dare I say "stupid" move to gain 
control over a situation in which she has no control? 

Now I know a lot has been mentioned about Lactnet not being the place to vent about 
these frustrations --- I think it is an excellent place to vent about these frustrations 
because it keeps us from inappropriately venting to those who are going to be 
unresponsive anyway.  And fortunately, the original poster was able to post here and 
whatever she may have felt she was able to seek advice from a VARIETY of opinions 
before expressing any deep concerns about the relationship between a mother in law and 
a daughter in law.

And in this regard, how many LCs have bemoaned the fact that their DILs really are not 
into breastfeeding and sought our support to empathize with them over this tragedy on 
Lactnet?  Of course it would be incredibly frustating to be an expert in an area and see 
dangerous disregard of health issues over someone who is related to us.  Since they are 
LCs, I have not seen any of them make the same error as this particular grandmother. 
Yet even though this particular grandmothers thought process MAY be misguided (since I 
have not listened to her I cannot make such judgments), her measures are intrusive --- 
just think about what she appears to have done to herself.  Her own son is rejecting her 
and her DIL is shutting her out.  Since I have a son --- and he already at age five had the 
ultimate girlfriend --- I hope I have the strength to back off should he marry a sleep 
training, formula feeding woman who thinks babies should be trained into not needing 
human comfort.  While I would love to think his early training would never lead him to 
choose such a woman, I am not arrogant enough to think my mothering skills are so 
great that this is not in the realm of possibility.  So, I would hope should I encounter that 
scenario I would have some empathetic channel for redirecting me into more constructive 
endeavors.

Best, Susan Burger

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