I find I am more likely to connect with the mother who has misinformation or
doubts about her ability to fully surrender to bfg when I surrender my
expectations of what she should do.  I am a bossy woman by nature, but I've
never been thanked for foisting my own 'shoulds' on someone.

 When I try to discover what the mother wants, and start my help from the
point where she is, it seems to diminish the defenses she throws up to
prevent herself from being  pushed somewhere she doesn't really feel ready
to go. This disipates a lot of tension, and builds trust.  Once we have some
rapport, I often find that she is more receptive to information about other
options.  I usually just smile and nod if someone tells me she needs her
sleep at night  and Dad is going to bottle feed.  If that's her decision, I
cheerfully start there by telling her how to make that work.  She's
generally so surprised to find that I don't try to talk her out of this that
before long she is a bit more receptive to the idea of me showing her how to
nurse lying down.  This turns out to be pleasant.  We laugh together
watching the baby crawl to the nipple.  She gets excited seeing how clever
her infant is, and before long we are chatting about how maybe this would be
easier than getting up to pump while Dad does the bottle.

 But I don't have any expectations about how things will turn out, and I
think it is the mom's perception that I really am pretty detatched and
respectful of her choices that gives her some freedom to explore my new
ideas.  In my ph. follow-ups, I praise her no matter what, and keep offering
little helpful hints.  Often these mothers who seem so brittle and
well-organized and kind of manic turn out to be merely frightened of
failure.  They often are perfectionists whose experience as a mom is their
first glimpse of a situation they can't really control.  This is pretty
unnerving, and often they need lots of moral support and warmth and approval
that you do see and appreciate how hard it is for them and what an effort
even TRYING bfg is for them.  These are the moms who may do much better 2nd
time around, and who trust you and the process more then.

Barbara Wilson-Clay BSEd, IBCLC
Austin Lactation Associates
http://www.lactnews.com

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