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Subject:
From:
Diana Cassar-Uhl <[log in to unmask]>
Reply To:
Lactation Information and Discussion <[log in to unmask]>
Date:
Wed, 22 Oct 2008 15:32:15 -0400
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Hello to all,

Of course, this topic brings up a lot of feelings for me, most of sadness
and frustration.  As a mom who has had to separate from my babies, albeit
*not* for 40-hour weeks, but still, I've separated, I know the struggle to
find reliable childcare that also is congruent with my parenting philosophy.

What it came down to, for me, was priorities.  I had cheaper, perhaps more
convenient options for childcare than what I settled on at the times I was
choosing caregivers, however, the idea of one of my babies crying alone or
not being held/fed on demand continues to be unacceptable to me.  

I know many families say "this is my only option" and I thought the same
thing the first time I was looking, but I've gotten pretty creative about
finding *suitable* care for my children -- and my childcare needs are
supremely unique because of a few things:

A) I prefer to have only one caregiver, so my children can become attached
to one person other than myself and my husband
B) that caregiver has to be available evenings and weekends, because that is
often when I have to work (when do you go to concerts?)
C) that caregiver has to be able to travel with my family a few times a year
for overnights, because my husband and I have the same job and we travel
together in that job -- leaving the children overnight is not an option
D) the caregiver must be comfortable with extended breastfeeding and be
willing/able to wear my baby in her sling
E) the caregiver must have skills caring for not only a baby, but a 6 and 4
year old as well, sometimes in public settings (at my concerts!)

My childcare solutions have ranged from local college students to a family
friend to an in-home provider, near my workplace, caring for only her own
other child.  Currently, we have an au pair who lives with us for up to 2
years.  While the au pair solution does have its drawbacks (I'm not always
fond of someone living in my house, I will admit), it also has its benefits
(like...she lives with us and my baby knows she's part of our family).  I
must add here that we are *not* wealthy, not by any standard, but the
consistency and familiarity my children get from having an au pair more than
makes the expense worth it for us.   I must also add that, when we got
pregnant the first time, my parents lived locally, but they moved away just
after my baby was born...stranding us here, where we are permanently
stationed, with no family.  We have very few friends or other support people
outside of our unit, and the at-home spouses of unit members have made clear
to us that they do not support us.  Those who would support us are either
employed themselves or otherwise just trying to carry their own load.

I guess my point here is that if attachment is high on the priority list for
a family looking for childcare, there are a lot of ways to think outside of
the box, even when there are odds against the family.  There are also ways
to help a childcare facility be more attachment-friendly, for example, have
the family give a sling to the center and show the staff how to use it --
suggest each staff member have a baby in a sling at all times and rotate the
babies through them, so that at least part of the day is spent close to a
warm human...also, choosing in-home care is often more conducive to
attachment, whether the child is an infant or older.

I have so much more to say on this topic, feel free to email me off-list if
you would like to discuss.  This is one of those things our society sort of
lays out for us as "this is how it has to be" but I challenge that idea --
I'm a big believer in tailoring a situation to meet a child's needs instead
of expecting a child to fit into the situation.  There are always going to
be the non-negotiable things, but there will also always be areas that are
flexible and can be modified.

--Diana in NY

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