>No, Susan, guilt is a sign of knowing the right thing to do and not
doing it.<

I really have to respectfully disagree with this, in tone if nothing
else.  Technically speaking, you may be right in your definition.  My
problem with that is, sometimes we are not thinking coherantly enough to
realize wha the "right" thing is and not only that, the "right" thing to
do can change over time in view of new information, circumstances, etc.
It seems a rather smug, pardon me if I'm misinterpretting, statement
which implies that if someone is feeling guily about something, then they
deserve to.  While that it sometimes true, a little well-deserved guilt
can be a great motivating factor to improve in the future, it is not
always the case.  There are many instances where people take on what most
of us would call guilt for things that are entirely out of their hands.

Think of the poor parents of a SIDS baby.  They may have done everything
they could - breastfeeding, co-sleeping, sleep positioning - and still
their baby died.  Most of these parents feel a lot of guilt until enough
time has passed for them to look at the situation more objectively.  And
what if the parents had been warned about co-sleeping by friends/doctors
and now their baby is dead?  Should they feel guilty about deciding to
co-sleep in spite of all the warnings?  We would say no, that it had
nothing to do with the death, that statistics bear out the safely of
co-sleeping.  But I think for many parents, the guilt would still be
there.  Deserved?  What about the poor mother who has just read a
frightening article about environmental contamination of breastmilk and
now feels guilty about breastfeeding her baby?
It can be so much more complicated than we sometimes think.

When I was suffering from bouts of depression many years back, I felt
guilty about everything.  Those feelings led to some very dark thoughts
sometimes.  Was that guilt deserved?  No, it really made no sense in the
light of day and after the depression had lifted.  But at the time, it
was certainly real and very painful.  Think of the new mothers we often
encounter, the PPD, mild or severe, that they may be dealing with along
with everything else.  I think that you have to be very careful how you
present information or relate personal experiences to those mothers.  I'm
not saying to withhold it, but how it is presented can make all the
difference in the world. We can never presume to know what is really
going on in someone's life or in the darkest recesses of their mind.  And
never forget how easily an off-handed remark can be taken to heart by a
vulnerable new mother who may be having a lot of problems already.

I wish that I were always as sensitive as I know that I should be.
Sometimes I am not, and I always regret it.  We cannot always be perfect
counsellors, but we can try to adopt a mindset that points us in the
right direction.

Sorry for rambling.  Peace to all.

Warmly,
Sharon Knorr, BSMT, LLLL, IBCLC in Newark, New York (near Rochester)
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