My thoughts about bedsharing are very much driven by my own personal experiences and those of the women in my breastfeeding group. Many women start out afraid to share their bed with their baby becasue of what they have heard. I certainly was, so I spent the nights nursing my son in a chair, fighting desperately to stay awake, feeling nauseous and exhausted. Sometimes I would nod off. I would nurse him in the bed sitting up and sometimes I would nod off....If I managed to stay awake, I would put him in his basinette next to our bed and he slept like a champ, never objected and always gave me at least a couple of hours sleep between feeds. But I often woke up in the middle of the night with a panicky feeling "Where's the baby?" Sometimes he was in my arms, but more often he was back in the basinette, but in my sleep I was all confused. Now that I think back on it, I think how dangerous it is to be sleeping with a baby sitting up and all confused....

When I nursed my daughter, she absolutely refused to be parted from me and insisted on staying put in my bed. Being driven by fear for five weeks I fought her and kept putting her back in her bed and she kept insisting. I would try leaving my hand on her back, I tried rocking the basinette, I tried waiting for that really deep level of sleep, nothing worked. Finally, ready to throw myself off a bridge at facing another endless night with my daughter I gave in and allowed her to stay. We slept beautifully from that night on. And I NEVER woke up not knowing where my baby was. That confusion was gone. I woke up at peace, with my daughter "sleeping like a baby" next to me!!! I have heard versions of my story repeated week after week in my group and it then always leads to a discussion of how to do it safely.

But the one thing I don't hear emphasized enough is that partners are often oblivious to the fact that there is a baby in the bed. One night I woke up to find my husband with a pillow in his arms (that is how he likes to sleep) rolling over towards my daughter. I shudder to think what might have happened if that pillow had landed on her. I threw him out of the bed until my daughter moved out. I am curious when discussions of bedsharing occur how the rest of you deal with the subject of the partner. What do you tell women for whom it is not possible to keep the baby between themselves and the wall? Sometimes this is possible and sometimes it isn't, depending on the bedroom and/or the woman's ability to sleep on both sides.  I also feel that there are some women, despite the fact that they are breastfeeding, and even if they are not under the influence of drugs or alcohol who might also be oblivious to the fact that the baby is there. Some of my clients have told me that this is their experience, that they are actually unaware the baby is in bed with them. I do feel that this situation presents dangers that need a frank discussion. Like everything else in breastfeeding (and parenting) it seems like bedsharing is a nuanced topic about which it is difficult to make blanket statements, and therefore it is so hard to come up with policies and protocols that fit all.

Kathy Lilleskov RN IBCLC
 

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