Alice said: "in my35 years as a mother who breastfed, I've found that what
at first seems
to be guilt usually proves to be regret or grief."

...and so many other feelings!

Recently I was listening to a woman call a well-known talk show and
sobbingly ask: "Why do I feel guilty about serving my husband with divorce
papers?" ...then she answered questions that brought out a history of 22
years of marriage, children, infidelity, etc... The talk show host then
clarified her REAL feelings using OTHER words: sadness, abandonment,
disillusion, frustration, anger, resentment, rejection, apprehension....
 The woman did not feel diminished in her feelings - she felt more
understood and more clearly could face what was going on.  You could hear
her voice become stronger - despite her tears of sadness - she was going to
deal with it.

It reminded me of the invaluable list I was first introduced through the
Human Relations Enrichment workshop as a La Leche League Leader (my book is
dated 1972).  This "Feeling Vocabulary" list graded from positive (love or
elation) to negative (hate or panic).  In helping the mother clarify
exactly what she felt, we could then help her to deal with the situation,
providing her with the words that best defined what she was feeling...and
helping her to devise how best to address the situation.

Too often we use the word "guilt" due to a lack of vocabulary - our
feelings are much more complex than "guilt" and this "buzz word" has taken
on too much power - power to paralyze as well as power to control and in
effect prevent us from addressing the REAL issues.  Taking the time to
define the problem can often shorten the time it will take to address and
resolve it.

How does this affect what we say and how we say it?  Diane Weissinger has
the ability to express this much better than I - but keeping in mind that
there are many more feelings involved when someone says "I feel so guilty"
may help us to keep probing and help the mom find the "right" words and the
"right" answer for HER.


Jeanette Panchula, BSW, RN, PHN, IBCLC
NEW E-mail: mailto:[log in to unmask]

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