----- Original Message -----
From: "Jaye Simpson, IBCLC" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Monday, December 31, 2007 1:16 AM
Subject: [LACTNET] Psychic Powers
**Hi Jaye,
> The counseling aspect when the mom 'gets' why her situation ended so badly
> is a whole 'nother ballgame. This is one of my specialties. How do I
> counsel a woman who is now grieving?
**The grieving about being misinformed, I can handle somehow. What I find
most difficult, is when they say, for example, after four days: "I have
tried everything, but nothing works", or similar wordings.
Often, I have given all sorts of suggestions in a different stage of the
process and they then choose to listen to someone not knowledgeable, giving
advice that doesn't work, which I knew beforehand... :-s
They sometimes expect me to validate all that, but I know that what they're
saying, is rubbish. Two days ago, a father: "We don't pump anymore, but
supplement, because the milk lacks nutritional value." We all know, that
these parents won't breastfeed very long, when they believe this nonsense. I
don't feel like validating this... I think it's unethical to not share my
knowledge and offer them at least the possibility to reconsider what they
heard and maybe phone me afterwards. The power of the primary HCP is so big,
though, that her (often the midwife or the 'home nurse' you get during eight
days for a couple of hours per day) opinion has such a overwhelming
influence, that it doesn't really matter what I say. And I know this baby
will be weaned untimely and the parents will say: "We had to stop, 'cause
the milk wasn't good enough." "Oh", the pregnant next door neighbour thinks,
"so that *is* possible. Maybe I'm one of those women that has milk that
lacks essential elements; good to know that." You see what I mean...? I
really don't know how to address these matters in a way that it really sinks
in. I would also have a hard time when someone would like me to validate
their sad feelings about being so overweighed, if I knew they would eat junk
food all the time... :-(
(snip)
> that her feelings of anger at the baby, or the family, or the HCP's or
> even me, are 100% NORMAL and VALID.
**I don't know... Is it fair to be angry at other people if you willingly
and knowingly turn down the opportunity to be well-informed...? I understand
that saying "I told you so" is not gonna work, but therefore I would love to
find a way to get the message through, although I realize not everyone is
willing to receive a message that addresses their responsibility, because
for one reason or the other, they are not up to the grieving or the feelings
of loss. Thát, I can validate, but the lies and the misbeliefs and the
delusions and the old wive's tales... those, I find very hard to let pass or
confirm...
Hmmm... coming to think of it... maybe I could ask: "Do you really believe
that, that the milk is too poor?" or something like that. I'll think some
more about it; quite a challenge, not to push AND to be straightforward AND
not to make people feel foolish AND to create possibilities to make them
reconsider decisions AND to keep the baby in mind and give bf a chance! ;o)
> If I have no answers, I say so. If I have no words - I say so.
> It is very, very hard to counsel these moms at times.but we do the best we
> can and then we call on our LC friends to vent and let them counsel us.
**Yes, I fully agree with this. ;o)
Kindly,
Marianne Vanderveen, Netherlands
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