All of the replies to this question have been enlightening.  Darrilyn's 
sharing of a birth mother's difficulty in accepting the adoptive mother's 
breastfeeding is something that several clients (adoptive mothers) have 
experienced.

One mother had two potential adoptions terminated after she fed the baby at 
her breast in the birth mother's presence in the hospital.  Each time she 
had asked and had gotten assurance that it would be fine.  I like the way 
that Darrilyn described the birth mother's deep feelings. Even someone who 
has never fed a baby can see that something profound is happening. Respect 
and appreciation for the gift is very important here.

The above adoptive mother and I talked about what had happened and she 
decided to keep her distance next time until she had custody.  The third 
time everything worked out well for everyone.  The birth mother knew that 
her baby would be breastfed but she didn't see the adoptive mother hold the 
baby or feed him.

The open arrangement continued and the birth mother was very accommodating 
in every way.  She even wrote a detailed history of her family and included 
pictures for baby Noah to have.

Of course the adoptive mother told me later that they knew why the first 
adoptions didn't come through. "Noah was waiting to be our baby."

I also think that seeing a woman hold one's baby lovingly and tenderly 
whether she feeds it or not can be a wrenching experience.  The way that 
babies are handled in many hospital settings are quite detached and object 
oriented.  Mothers who are taking their babies home could use some visual 
examples of tenderness and personal-ness.

I know how busy everyone is on a newborn floor and it *is* truly just one 
baby among many.  I tell my breastfeeding classes to remember that, but to 
also remember that to her, a new mother, this little one is unique in all 
the world. It is the only time that her baby will be born.

Patricia Gima, Grandma to Julian and Renata who were adopted a year ago 
this week and who are still joyfully feeding at the breast.
Milwaukee, Wisconsin


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