In a message dated 9/5/00 12:19:27 AM Eastern Daylight Time,
[log in to unmask] writes:

<< Interesting to see this brought up.  I am the mother of now 20 month old
 triplets born at 33+2 weeks.. I am a pediatric and former NICU nurse and I
was working to take my IBCLC exam when my babies were born...

Also, Karen Gromada, I would be very interested in seeing your research or
data on parental preferences to one baby over another in mothers of
multiples.  I teach many parents of multiples and talk with other mother's of
multiples every day, and do not recall ever seeing this problem...  >>

Anne, I've been offline for a few days with a "broken" computer (again). I
"chopped" your post waaaay down just so others know what the topic is, but
wanted to let you know I'll try to get the stuff together and forwarded later
today. (But I'm catching up for days I couldn't be on the computer.) My plan
is to forward the info via private post, since this is associated with but
not strictly breastfeeding-LC practice-related--and I tend to go on and on
and on about it once started! If anyone else is interested in the info, let
me know.

Re your post: << I know we all as parents of multiple children, no matter what
the spacing (2 minutes or 2 years), may favor one child over another from
time to time especially if one is being wonderfully behaved and another is
being a "stinker," but this is a temporary reaction.  I often find myself
especially enamored with one of my children one week, but the next week find
myself enamored with another.  They all get my unconditional love every day,
and the commitment to each child is evenly spread. >>

I call what you describe a "flip-flop" attachment process with multiples.
Thankfully, it seems to be more common than preferential attachment. It may
be the more common way for parents to form an attachment to each, and it also
seems to be the form/process that often follows a "unit" attachment (forming
an initial attachment with the multiples as a single entity--more common with
identical multiples, perhaps because their body clocks, temperaments, etc.
are more similar). Flip-flop is different in that the child a parent focuses
more on changes from day to day (week to week, month to month), whereas the
child a parent is focused does not change with preferential attachment.

I really disagree with you, though, if you believe forming close, individual
attachments with numerous singletons, born months to years apart, is similar
to having to form an attachment with multiple newborns at once. It is not the
same to form an attachment with a second, third, etc.child after a close
relationship with each prior child has already developed.

BTW, I didn't "see" preferential attachments until a concerned mother
described her own experience with it. Then I started talking about it and,
without fail, other mothers would heave sighs of relief that they weren't
"terrible" and could begin to relate their experiences. I have talked to
numerous parents (mostly mothers) working very hard to overcome a
"preference" for one--sometimes developed when one multiple was in her care
for only hours before the other(s).

When you think of "normal" human attachment formation--whether related to a
friend, life partner or child--we humans usually are better when it's
one-to-one-at-a-time. It's only logical to think a segment of POM will form a
preference for a baby first in their care or first to make eye
contact/interact. In my experience parents are often aware that something is
not quite right re: their feelings for the different babies--some can
pinpoint it but often they can't quite identify what it is that is bothering
them. Often they feel terrible but they may not talk about it--maybe because
they haven't pinpointed the problem and/or because they think there is
something wrong with them/their feelings.

Most that I talk to in this position are working hard to overcome their
feelings. What concerned me/raised flags about Linda's post was that her
description of the MOM behaviors and verbalizations were so blatent.
Certainly I'm glad Dad is making sure the one little guy is receiving
emotional care from him, but I'm also concerned about Dad forming a close
attachment for the "mother's" twin. It's just not good when care is so
divvied up that parents refer to one multiple as "mine" and another as the
other parent's.

Also, think of the symptom re: emotional detachment as a behavior associated
with postpartum depression (PPD). Then consider that PPD apparently occurs
more than twice (more than 20-25%) as often among mothers of multiples (MOM)
and a delayed onset is more common than for mothers of singletons. This also
may be affecting the attachment process for POM.

So I agree completely, approach the topic gently. However, LCs should be
aware of the potential for attachment process differences and difficulties
for POM. Please don't be afraid to approach this topic with POM. The good or
bad consequences of any variation of attachment formation can/will affect
every member of the entire family.

Karen

             ***********************************************
The LACTNET mailing list is powered by L-Soft's renowned
LISTSERV(R) list management software together with L-Soft's LSMTP(TM)
mailer for lightning fast mail delivery. For more information, go to:
http://www.lsoft.com/LISTSERV-powered.html