Random thoughts on the case posted to LactNet about the dueling nurslings:

1.      Sounds like the older child is massively insecure, probably because
of the new baby.
2.      Sounds like the mother is letting a 2 year old rule the house, to
the detriment of all, including himself.

Suggestions:

A 31 month old is plenty old enough to be sat down and talked to.  The
mother can explain that there are certain rules that will be followed.  You
say she's tried "all the usual tricks" but I'm not sure what you/she mean by
that.  I would lay down the law about nursing ettiquette, such as: infant
nurses by himself, toddler nurses only after the infant is done.  Toddler
can be distracted by another adult or a toy or a video or a book while
infant nurses, or toddler can scream by himself and mother should ignore
him.  Toddler can only nurse as long as he is polite -- no thrashing about,
biting, kicking, or screaming.  As long as mom rewards his screaming by
nursing him, then he will scream to be nursed.  She can tell him "I will
nurse you after you have been quiet and calm for 10 minutes, and not until
that happens."  When he indicates a desire to nurse, she can set the timer
where he can see it, or she can buy an hour-glass that lasts 10 minutes (or
twice X 5 minutes), and he can sit and watch it.  She can insist that when
he wants to nurse, he first drink a small glass of juice or water.  She can
set other rules about nursing -- no nursing after 8 pm, for example.

At the same time, this mother needs to find a way to spend some time with
just the older child -- while the infant naps, or is playing quietly by
himself, or is with another adult.  The older child sounds jealous and
insecure.  He needs to know that he is still loved and cherished, and he
also needs to know that his younger sibling will grow up to be his playmate,
to love him, and to be his life-long companion.

I would be worried about a mother who is letting a 31 month old nursling
ruin her life.  I would be worried about a child who is so insecure he feels
he must nurse more than the infant.  I am seeing more and more women (who
write to me via my web page) who seem to think that they are NOT ALLOWED to
set any rules about nursing -- i.e., that they must nurse "on demand"
regardless of the consequences for others in the family, including
themselves, regardless of how old the child is (i.e., they must treat the
almost-3 year old like he was a newborn).  When I write back and tell them
it is OK to establish rules and boundaries and guidelines about nursing a
toddler, just as about everything in family life, they seem amazed.  People
also seem amazed at the idea of *talking with* a 2 or 3 year old.  Children
can understand a lot more than most parents give them credit for.  You must
tailor the explanations and rules to their abilities to comprehend, but I
find most people vastly underestimate the ability of the child to be a part
of the discussion and the process.  Way beyond the time when they should
have started explaining the "why" of decisions to the child, the parents are
still just saying "No" or "You can't".

Kathy Dettwyler

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