I'd like to add a few thoughts on grief. I'm a mental health professional
who has been trained to recognize the processes that people tend to undergo
when they experience a significant loss. Yet, I keep wondering why *I'm* so
tired, so unable to concentrate, etc. Grief is often easier to recognize in
someone else than in ourselves. I have to remind myself to be patient and
kind with myself, to give myself time...

When we experience a loss, it naturally and humanly takes time to figure
out how to go on living without what was lost. When we lose a specific
person, perhaps it is easier for us to be able to claim the right to
grieve. Yet many of us are grieving the loss of unnamed thousands--as well
as vague things like a sense of security, a sense of invulnerability... Not
only might we ask, how can I laugh, we might ask, what right do I have to
feel so badly when *I* haven't lost someone personally--when my
partner/child/friend/relative is safely here with me.

All of these feelings and questions and thoughts are all right. There is no
single right way to grieve, to learn how to live again. When we laugh and
love, we do not deny the reality of loss and death. Laughter and love and
loss and death are all a part of life. Some of us naturally and humanly
need to embrace life quickly as part of coping, some of us need to take
time first to feel the pain and confusion that that come with experiencing
a loss. In reality, we are likely to go back and forth (in a given hour,
day, week, month, year...) between embracing life and experiencing loss. It
is all right to do so. We do not dishonor the dead by living. Neither do we
reject life by mourning. All of our emotions and reactions are there for a
reason. Grief is constructive: it is how we learn to live again, in a
different way than we were living before. This is a time for patience and
kindness toward ourselves and others.

The isolation that many new mothers experience may be that much more
painful and risky when it happens within the context of pre-existing grief.
I would encourage all of us to take extra care in regard to emotional
well-being of new mothers. How alone are they throughout their day? Have
they had the opportunity to share their grief with anyone? How are they
feeling in regard to what has happened? Mothers may find it very helpful
(and even essential) to be able to talk with an LC about how their feelings
about the terrorist attacks may be affecting how they feel about their
baby, about mothering, and about breastfeeding. Mothers need to know that
other mothers are struggling with grief on top of all the changes that the
birth of a new baby brings, that any sense of disconnection with their baby
does not mean that they do not love him, that they cannot love him.
Breastfeeding support groups offer more than support for breastfeeding.
Mothers also talk about the other joys and challenges in their lives--which
these days also includes the horrible challenge of coping with the
terrorist attacks. We were not meant to mother alone. We were not meant to
grieve alone. This is a time to be together. Let's make extra effort to
facilitate that.

And, we should not hesitate to refer mothers to mental health professionals
just because we are all grieving. Sometimes mothers need help to get
through grief. Sometimes LCs do, too. Seeking help and support is a sign of
strength and maturity--whether it's talking to a trusted friend or a
trained counselor.

In support,

Cynthia

Cynthia Good Mojab, MS Clinical Psychology
(Breastfeeding mother, advocate, independent [cross-cultural] researcher
and author; LLL Leader and Research Associate in the LLLI Publications
Department; and former psychotherapist currently busy nurturing her own
little one.)
Ammawell
Email: [log in to unmask]
Web site: http://members.home.net/ammawell

             ***********************************************
The LACTNET mailing list is powered by L-Soft's renowned
LISTSERV(R) list management software together with L-Soft's LSMTP(TM)
mailer for lightning fast mail delivery. For more information, go to:
http://www.lsoft.com/LISTSERV-powered.html