Laura asked:
>I recieved a call from a mom on Friday. Her husband left two months before
>the baby was born. They have 3 other children who were breastfed until they
>were 2 and never had bottles. Now the new baby is 11 wks. old and the
>couple is in court for visitation rights. The judge told the mother
>"because so many women go back to work after childbirth, you can pump and
>put it in a bottle and when the baby is 9 months old, the baby can stay with
>the father overnight." She is disturbed because of the baby's age now and
>the necessity to pump and give a bottle.
What a shame. This happens all the time in the legal system. And actually
this mother didn't do that badly - overnights are at least put off for
awhile. I have seen judges order overnights well before 9 months of age.
How does this happen? First we must remember that Judges are usually just
lawyers. Add in that the legal system is merely a reflection of society's
standards. Now - are we baby friendly? Hopefully that is changing. But, many
in our society view a mother who is attached to her child, and not leaving
her child, and breastfeeding, and probably sleeping with her baby, as being
the odd man out. We have become a society of alternate caretakers raising
children. Our active lives preclude being glued to a baby.
So is it hopeless? What can we do to prevent this type of result? Help
mothers to work together with the baby's father. There are 60 ways to leave
your lover, there are 60 ways to settle your case. Cases are decided one of
two ways: The parents decide everything themselves, and the judge then
approves that decision; or the judge decides everything. In this day and
age, many courts are requiring parents to try to work custody and visitaiton
decisions out among themselves. Mediation is one method of doing that.
Working with a trained professional who helps people find that middle
ground. Mediation is required in California, south Florida, and I'm sure
many other states. Courts are trying to get out of the custody business!
When a breastfeeding mother tries to work out a visitation plan that can
work, there are many factors to look at. And the truth of it is that all the
mother's efforts to try to work it out can later help her if she has to go
to court.
I have an article "Breastfeeding and Visitation" which is off of LLLI's
Webpage (click Breastfeeding and the Law). You can copy this article, or the
other one "Is Breastfeeding Really a Visitation Issue" if it might help the
mother - or any mother.
Many times this type of result can be avoided by the mother offering the
father significant time - and fashioning it so it is very frequent, and not
that lengthy, gradually working up to longer visits, to overnights,
weekends, and week long visits.
Problem is that many mothers offer way to little time, or try to put
overnights off past that which a court will do. They end up losing
credibility, and the judge's ear.
>If her lawyer calls me for info,
>how can I eloquently and professionally speak to him ? This is my first
>experience in this kind of situation. Our hospital counsel has said that I
>can speak to him - just make sure she knows about it.
Yes, you can always talk to the mother's attorney (unless she doesn't want
you to). As a matter of fact, you should, and that should become a must if
they want you to testify. It is imperative that you understand exactly what
the situation is.
If you are called (or if you speak to the mother again), you might want to
inquire about:
1. What visitation were the parties doing before the order? I'd be
looking at how far apart they were - what they were doing, vs. what was
ordered. And I'd be looking for alternatives.
2. What visitation was the mother seeking? Was she asking for
something that was reasonable? Really trying to promote his bond? Was her
plan working up to longer visits?
3. What exactly was ordered? What is the length of visitaiton now?
Does it change?
4. If the mother could reshape it but not restrict it (i.e. same
number of hours, but done at different times,etc) what would the mother pick?
5. Is the mother actively promoting the father's bond? Encouraging
him?
6. Are there a bunch of red flags - like alleging abuse, the father
unfit, evaluations that are negative, etc.?
7. What separations has the mother had from the baby since birth?
This can be a good rule of thumb as to where visitation could begin. If the
mother is working 6 hours a day, then certainly 6 hours are OK. Could the
father have the baby when the mother is unavailable, if possible?
8. What style of parenting is the mother engaging in? (shared sleep,
baby glued to her, vs. goes out sometimes, mother watches baby for her, etc.)
9. What are her feelings about weaning?
10. Is she planning on having any separations in future with baby
(work, school, etc.)
11. What efforts have been made to work this out? Attorneys meeting
together? Attorneys and clients? Mediation? Counseling?
By the way, the large majority of mothers that I hear from who have a bad
ruling in their case already (before they seek help) end up resolving it by
settling with the baby's father. The mother is often more motivated than
before. It is very difficult to get a judge to change his mind. The parties
working it out themselves is highly encouarged. And it can save them
$5,000-$50,000 each - and taking each other back to court... and the
stress... and the lack of control over the outcome...
Any of you are more than welcome to share any of my articles or outlines
from conferences with someone in this type of situation. And keep in mind
that this area of the law is my passion. I take calls from anyone on these
cases. Expert, lawyer, mother, father, guardian, evaluator, etc....
Liz Baldwin
_______________________
Elizabeth N. Baldwin, Esq. Baldwin & Friedman, P.A.
2020 N.E. 163rd St. # 300 N. Miami Beach, Fla. 33162-4970
Phone: 305-944-9100 Home office: 954-929-9090
Fax: 305-949-9029 [log in to unmask]
http://www.parentsplace.com/shopping/esq/index.html
Breastfeeding and the Law: http://www.lalecheleague.org/LawMain.html
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