(hope this doesn't go through twice - delivery failed)
The pediatrician, however, finds it interesting that photographs of naked
children are somehow the exception. "There are some hints that . . . it
might be inappropriate to take pictures of your children nude beyond a
certain age because of the risk that somebody -- and it's a kind of a Big
Brother somebody -- might misinterpret, especially when you get into the
child pornography stuff."
At Memorial University's School of Social Work in St. John's, professor Ken
Barter calls Oxenhandler's claims extreme. "I haven't read the book, but I
don't seem to follow that thinking at all," says Barter, who holds the chair
in child protection at Memorial. "I think that maybe it's an interpretation
that's taken to the extreme on something that's very beautiful in terms of
child nurturance and child care . . . the bonding and the attachment and all
these things."
As for the damage done by false allegations of sexual exploitation such as
that suffered by Andrew Minsk, Barter says it is "unfortunate" but "all done
in the best interests of the children." He notes that a nation-wide study of
child-abuse cases investigated by child-welfare agencies in 1998 estimated
that a third -- involving about 45,000 youngsters -- concerned
unsubstantiated allegations.
But Jill Vyse, head of the Canadian chapter of International Association of
Infant Massage, knows all about the vagaries of Canadian parents'
inhibitions. The massage therapist notices that fathers are slow to bare the
bodies of their tiny daughters, but when it comes to baby boys, "the dads
strip the baby right down before I even finish my intro."
One of Vyse's classes recently agreed to be in a video on infant massage
made in conjunction with the Canadian Institute for Child Health. When it
came time to roll the camera, only three sets of parents gave permission to
film their daughters with their diapers off. "It blew me away," Vyse says.
"In class, most of them run around like my teaching doll, which is bare."
The infant-massage movement is founded on the idea that parents ask
permission to touch their babies so that even the smallest infants develop a
sense of who they can trust and what intimacy is about. "Asking permission
allows the child to start to develop boundaries [so that] when they're on
their own and there's
no parent around and somebody starts touching them . . . they know that lady
or that fellow has not asked permission and so red flags come up," Vyse
explains. The children become very confident about who may touch them and
who may not.
Infant massage is recommended as a way to increase skin-to-skin contact and
initiate the parent-child bond, but it can also help with physical ailments
such as gas, chest congestion, back and leg pain from tense muscles.
Mainly,though, it provides a way for parents to get over their inhibitions
about their baby's bodies.
"As a parent educator, I really say, 'You know what, dads, it's okay to feel
good about touching your baby. And moms, it's okay to put your arm around
your four-year-old son and hug him close to you.' "
Canadian author Marni Jackson, who first wrote about the erotic side of
parenthood in her 1992 book, The Mother Zone, finds all this a little
strange.Like most people, she agrees that these anxieties about touching
children -- even babies, for God's sake -- are uniquely North American.
She notices it has manifested itself lately in the grandiose size of baby
carriages, some of which she jokingly referred to as "four-wheel drive"
strollers. "It's okay when you see a two- or three-year-old r iding in
them,"she says, "but you see these tiny little infants in these gigantic
vehicles when they should be carried on the body. The baby needs the body
for a long time."
Jackson believes the reason North Americans are so squeamish about intimacy
with children is that we confuse touch with sex. "Touch is bigger than sex,"
she says, "and touch includes physical pleasure, which is the same thing as
erotic pleasure. When we feel physical pleasure touching our children, we
get worried that means sex."
She agrees that we have withdrawn physical affection from our children for
fear we will unleash deep and dark desires. But she believes this creates a
hunger to be touched and a hungry self, "which is then going to use sex to
get love."
For Lynn Morley, the stay-at-home mom who lives with her family in Maple
Ridge,
B.C., attachment parenting has meant her children -- now 12, 9, and 6 -- are
kinder, gentler people who are not afraid to hold hands with their parents
or
hug them. She believes the close physical relationship she and her husband
have
had with their kids has resulted in children with high self-esteem. At the
same
time, she realizes there are people who think she is "perverted" for
sleeping
with her kids and breast-feeding her youngest until she was 3.
"You can parent this way but not be weird or strange or odd in any way," she
says. "It is a normal way to parent. My kids are normal now: They wear Gap
jeans
and they ride bikes. They have friends. It's what you would expect in a
normal
kid, but they still come to me with all their problems. It's a close
physical
attachment as well as emotional."
And it has boosted her own self-esteem in a way she never thought possible.
"This is empowering to me. It's like, 'Wow. I did this. I had a huge hand in
doing this. They are this way because of me.' "
What the experts say
William and Martha Sears,The Baby Book
Infant massage: Good for stimulation of growth-promoting hormones,
improved
digestion and bonding with baby
Sleeping: Babies and mothers sleep better together
Breast-feeding: Recommended until baby is a year old; mothers may feel
"alarmed" by intensity of feelings
Body parts: Handle genital play like nose-picking: discourage it in
public
(including family areas); never tell the child the body is "dirty"
Arlene Eisenberg, Heidi E. Murkoff and Sandee E. Hathaway, What to
Expect:
The Toddler Years
Nudity: Parents shouldn't walk around naked by the time their child is
3;
same-sex showering may foster positive body image
Sleeping: Toddler should sleep in own room
Breast-feeding: Wean after one year, due to possible health risks (e.g.
increased ear infections) and overdependence on mother
Benjamin Spock and Steven J. Parker, Dr. Spock's Baby and Child Care
Nudity: Parents should keep "reasonably" covered at home and keep kids
out
of bathroom when they are bathing or using toilet
Touching: Mothers and fathers should "fondle" newborn for first hour
after
birth; use a cloth carrier instead of carriage
Sleeping: Babies okay in own room from birth, but can share room with
mom
and dad, who can safely move them by three months when "they don't need so
much
care"
Breast-feeding: Encouraged, but most babies "start showing signs of
decreased need" for the breast between nine and 12 months
Copyright 2000 | The Globe and Mail
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