>
>
>Does anyone know of a better word than "discreet", since that one is so =
>upsetting to some people?
>
I see that it is upsetting people, too, and am trying to understand why.
Discretion doesn't cause shaming. Our comfort levels with our bodies and
the parts we are willing to show to the public is a very complex issue.
I remember having a similar discussion with someone who was confused
about the difference between confidentiality and dishonesty.

In a completely different sphere of my life, I have been "studying" the
meaning of discretion. Some of this study has led me to realize that, in
my lay counselling, I have learned a lot about the value of *not*
expressing opinions or making statements that can distance people with
whom we are in a helping role. Opinions are just opinions, and sometimes
we could do well by expressing them less energetically. Think of what
damage opinions about breastfeeding have done, while evidence-based
information and sensitive support have been able to change the situation
in such positive ways. So I am feeling very positive about discretion,
and about my ability to cultivate this gift in the future. To me, it is
related to being in a role of trust.

Sometimes I think we are in such an extroverted society that we think we
need to be transparent, open about everything we do. We do not realize
how this affects people who need more privacy, space or sensitivity than
we do. We figure that if we are comfortable, then we should be able to
make the world comfortable with the things we see as fine. On the other
hand, I find that this can lead to a failure of empathy for and
imposition on people who are more inward-looking and reserved -- and
that includes family members and friends whom I am trying hard to
understand.

We need people supporting breastfeeding in all kinds of *different*
ways. We need people to be matter-of-fact and people to be celebratory;
we need some people to be calm and knowledgeable and others to be
emotional; we need people to write letters and others to write articles
and still others to write e-mails to mothers who are overwhelmed. We
need people to speak out and speak up but we also need lots of people to
speak softly to their babies and to speak gently to their grandmothers
and kindly to strangers. To each one who own gift, based on her
reflection about what counts.

Meanwhile, if we really want another word, "tact" is a good one. I know
that I have felt very insulted when I have been treated without it so it
may be an important thing. What do you think?

Jo-Anne Elder-Gomes, PhD, IBCLC, language junkie

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