Judy wrote:

>I think the main issue here is the mother's parenting style - should it have
>to change drastically simply because her husband leaves? I say NO.

Except now to promote the father's bond, they will have to do things
differently. However, in most cases there are many ways to promote the
father's bond without the lengthy separations. Or without the early
overnights.

>If they
>were still together in the same house, whether as a couple or not, the father
>would not be taking the baby away for overnight visits without the mom, why
>should he need to do it simply because he left? Why punish the child, and
>alter the parenting that this mom was able to provide her other children?

Well, that is the risk of letting a judge decide the case. Judges don't
want to have to decide these matters. They want the parents to work it out
themselves. We, as professionals, can help mothers by encouraging them to
determine what can work for her family, and to try to settle the matter out
of court with the baby's father. The reality is that Judges can and do
order overnight visitation when babies are very young. Reality. Judges do
not want to be in the position of picking one parent's bond over the other.
More reality. Judges may not be educated about breastfeeding. Very sad
reality. Many in our society leave young babies overnight for a variety of
reasons. This style of parenting may not be understood by someone who has
never seen it.

Mothers must be aware of this. Although we in our hearts know that many of
these breastfed babies would find overnight visitation very difficult to
handle, mothers must be careful what arguments they put to the court. To
present to a court that the mother should not have to change anything,
could hurt the mother's case, or the way the judge views her. They don't
want either parent to be unilaterally deciding anything. Mothers must
validate the importance of the father's bond. That can be hard for a
breastfeeding mother when she feels in her heart that only she knows what
is best for her baby.

>We
>have to start acting like the grown-up we claim to be - if this overnight
>separation from mom was not part of the family style before the split, why
>should it be now?

Sometimes judges have ordered it even when the father has said nothing, or
not asked for it. Sometimes fathers ask for it because of the information
they receive. And the fears they have of not being a real dad. And because
of legal advice they may receive. Or sometimes because they do not realize
what it would mean to the baby. It isn't fair to assume that all are doing
it in a spiteful manner.

>It does not become in the interest of the child no matter
>where the father lives.

Ah. But that is a significant factor. You can't ask a father to travel an
hour or two to visit for an hour or two every day. If the parents cannot
accomplish short frequent visitation, then it is nearly impossible to avoid
the lengthy separations. This is the reality of the legal system. And the
challenge of how to promote the father's bond.

>He's the grown-up - he could spend small, frequent
>amounts of time with the baby IN the house for the time being.

Only if they can make it work. Or settle between themselves. Judges are not
going to order in-home visits except in the very early months, and ONLY IF
the parties can get along enough for it to work. If they can't for any
reason, then out of home visits will likely be ordered. Again the reality
of the system.

>If he's truly
>interested in building a relationship with the baby, this should satisfy
>everyone. If he just wants to take the baby away from the mother, his motives
>are suspect anyway. If they don't get along as adults, she could go out for a
>while with a pager in case the baby needed her.

Again, a remedy that only can happen if the parties agree. There are so
many more options for mothers through settlement. Very few ones if the case
goes to court.

>     Just because SOME mothers leave their infants regularly doesn't mean
>this mother should have to. There may be lots of negative emotions floating
>around here, but there should be a way that this father and mother can make
>sure this baby spends time with Dad without jeopardizing his current
>relationship with mom.

And that is what mothers must do - to settle - or to go to court. Figure
out what can work in their particular case. How the mother can give the
father significant time - not the bare minimum.

>The cultural expectations which obscure normal
>mother-baby relationships may make this difficult to sell, but it if we can
>just get the adults to act like adults, things should work out. There will be
>plenty of time to add visitation time as the months, and years pass, in a
>time frame that works for everyone, especially the littlest one.

So, how can a mother convince the father to gradually increase the time?
Many times, it helps if she can validate the importance of his bond. Show
him how she is earnestly trying to encouarge his bond. Provide as much time
with Dad as possible. Help him and the baby to bond.

I hope that this mother is able to work something out with the father. It
is the best chance of protecting the breastfeeding relationship.

Liz Baldwin
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