Diane,
I prefer home visits for this very reason. I always ask mom to have
whoever is her best support there when I come. Sometimes that is
husband, grandmothers, sisters, even baby nurses and nannies. I don't
care who they are. If they are going to be around when she si working
towards her goal, i want them there too. I work with mom with only
those who will have 'hands on help' for her if it is needed. I do
like Daddy around to hear what I am saying. Then, I meet with them
all. And 'tell them' what mom is going through, what a great mom she
is, how she knows what needs to be done, what her goals are and what
our care plan looks like. And, then ask them "now, what can you do to
help this happen for her"? Often mom will warn me of whoever is most
resistant or is not being helpful, so I have a heads-up and address
that in particular. I find most really do want to make mom happy, so
if I present it that 'this makes her happy' don't mess with it, they
are more likely to want to help in a way that is actually helpful. I
do tell them what no one needs to say, etc. I use examples that are
unrelated to parenting. Like: if you were preparing for a big
presentation, you would not want yoru wife over your shoulder telling
you how you were never going to pull it off. Or, 'if you were
preparing to run a marathon it would be very unkind if your wife stood
by and told you this was crazy, you don't need to do this, and why on
earth are you working so hard and getting all sweaty for something
that is not really all that important anyway?" I try to know
something about whoever is there so what I say will make a dent, but
you get the idea.
I be sure Dad knows how wonderful it is that his baby has a Mom so
dedicated to being sure breastfeeding happens. I remind him that
there are many things in life that we take time to learn and master
and that it is okay to feel overwhelmed...it doesn't mean you want to
quit, just that you need appreciation for the effort. I ask mom what
things she needs done to help her. Meals, cleaning, etc. and what
will interfere. This part of my consult is imprtant to me because I
know that her lack of support will endanger her success. I have had
grandmothers tell me "well, I did not breastfeed her and she is just
fine" and I smile and agree and remind them how fiercely they wanted
to do what was best for her when she was a baby....I tell them to just
think of this as what is best for her now and do all you can to
proetect it, just as you would have done all you could to protect her
as a baby. I don't even address that she did not breastfeed, only the
love she had for her baby. Even if i t is not true, she will know it
should have been, haha, and that itself is likely to encourage her to
do the right thing now.
Sometimes I even make a list of things each of them can do to help.I
always tell a baby nurse or nanny what NOT to do as well as what they
can do to help. I have had some moms totallyl derailed by a baby
nurse who knows what is best.
It is often easier for everyone to hear what mom needs from someone
besides mom. Sometimes mom doesn't even know herself! This is all new
to her too.
I give Dads my number, tell them they can call me too. I have had some
lovely talks with Dads who really do want to help but are clueless as
to how. Remember, most men want it fixed adn fixed now. If it can't
be fixed now, get something different. In this case, mom is
suffering, it is hard, get the bottle, and all is fixed and he can
relax and stop worrying about his wife and baby. I have been known to
point this man behavior out to both mom and dad so they both realize
he can't help himself and that it really is okay that he is this way.
Sometimes I point out that it is because he loves her so much and
worries about her that he feels it would be easier to quit, and at the
same time I explain to him what it 'feels' like to be a mother, and
how he doesn't feel that way because, well, he is not a mother. Haha.
I see this same thing in births. Mom is doing great, but Dad is
freaking out and the epidural is more for him than for her! She can't
stand to see him freak out and he cannot manage his fear of
birthing....so the epidural solves his own fears, but mom could
totally have done without it. I find that many mothers do in fact do
things to protect others that is not what they would want to do for
themselves and I try hard to give that a voice and hopefully stop it
from becoming a barrier to her successfully breastfeeding her baby.
This is probably why my visits always last at least two hours! Haha.
Take care,
Pam MazzellaDiBosco, IBCLC, RLC
Florida
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