In a message dated 11/15/0 2:24:24 PM, [log in to unmask] writes:
snip
<<But with a
newborn, a year is infinity, and everything changes --
preconceived notions disappear and a first baby always
redefines reality. With breastfeeding, as with so many
aspects of parenting, I surprised myself. >>
I think what was so disconcerting about this 'poem" was this beginning. It
implied that she has learned about meeting the needs of children, about
flexibility and trusting the evolution of ourselves as mothers.
<snip>
<<When the
first year ended, I continued to nurse my baby. And
continued.
I became one of those women who nurse their babies
deep into toddlerhood. I nursed Annie because it was a
good thing for us, because I believed she should wean
herself (as is done in most cultures), because she was
my only baby. I nursed her when she could first ask
for it ("Urse! Urse!); I nursed her when she,
precociously, spoke in complete, grammatically-correct
sentences; I nursed her almost to age three. And then,
like all humans, she did wean, bringing forth a strong
reaction from me... >>
And this, which implies that Annie weaned and the mother reacted emotionally,
not that the mother forced Annie to wean.
snip>
<<"But I wanted to nurse before bedtime..." and she
cries: sorrow, release, understanding, loss. It's been
two days since she's nursed, each skipped feeding
negotiated, or forgotten. >>
When my older children weaned, I did not need to negotiate every "skipped
feeding". We are talking about 2 days and there are multiple feedings
skipped. By the time a child weans w/o trauma, there are not usually multiple
feedings happening each day.
<snip>
<<I stop, unwilling, myself, to commit. But after all,
that is what is happening. This is about her, not me. >>
What???? About whom????
<snip>
<<Nothing is more important in the world
than her body next to me and this closeness, and I am
so proud, of herself, and of myself, and of who we are
together. >>
Many people thought that this mother was feeling pressure to wean. I just do
not get that from what she has written at all. Nowhere does she imply this,
and to the contrary, she seems rather secure in that respect.
<snip>
<<Too much in six weeks. Day care. Her own room. Potty
training. Weaning. In two weeks she will be three.
Yesterday she sprained her foot and couldn't walk.
Today she howled, pre-verbal again, ripped toilet
paper to shreds, and crawled across the floor. So much
so fast, poor little girl. Have I pushed too much?
It's felt right - she's wanted all this - I want to
hold her tight and feel her against me. Too soon
she'll be gone, and I'll be left wanting, missing.
Sad. >>
Sorry, but what is this supposed to mean? She's wanted all this? She's three!
She wanted her mother to go back to work, to potty train for daycare (it
seems), to have a new room? She wanted to wean? The mother talks about how
she will be left wanting, missing and sad. What about Annie? The poor baby is
crying out and the mother, like a politician, places her own spin on it.
<snip>
<<I've loved this so much.
I'm so sad. Will she still love me? Will she still
need me?>>
She needs you now!
I know that others felt empathy for this mother, but I sense the empathy came
from jumping to the conclusion that the mother was feeling society's pressure
to wean, something they could relate to. As I read this "poem", I feel angry
at the mother for working so hard to convince me that her daughter has made a
choice and that she, in her sorrow, has supported it.
This is not about *not supporting* other mothers in their choices. It is
about not bying a big huge lie. If this mother said she made a choice and
this was the trauma that ensued, then I could feel neutral, w/o judgement
about her, while stilling feeling empathy for Annie. Instead, I feel betrayed
by a mother who sets us up to believe one thing and delivers another. This
mother betrayed her child and wants us to believe that she was the victim.
Alas, it does speak rather honestly of American cultural attitudes toward
children--basically that their needs are less important than ours and we can
just rationalize, rationalize, rationalize!
Jennifer Tow, IBCLC, CT, USA
***********************************************
The LACTNET mailing list is powered by L-Soft's renowned
LISTSERV(R) list management software together with L-Soft's LSMTP(TM)
mailer for lightning fast mail delivery. For more information, go to:
http://www.lsoft.com/LISTSERV-powered.html
|
