Cathy,

You wrote, "*We* need to treat the mom as lovingly & gently as we would treat
the baby; we need to teach her that it's NOT OK to struggle with the baby at
breast."

How true and profound!  It's about modeling the behavior towards the mom so
that she understands that breastfeeding is about communicating and about
showing love.  One might even consider that forcing feedings is akin to rape.
 That forcing objects (bottles, pacifiers, breasts) into an unwilling or
unprepared infant is a personal invasion.  If as adults we were forced to
feed in the way in which some of these infants have been forced, would we be
surprised about a person's refusal to eat?  And I recognize that everyone
wants to get this baby feeding--the clock is always ticking.  But if moms
understand that physical skills take time.  How quick did we learn to ride a
bike?  How many days to learn to swim?  Some of us are pretty darn good at
physical skills and learn in short order but for most of us it takes time.
And particularly if we have had the occassion to be fearful (such as near
drowning when learning to swim or falling of the bike), it may take us awhile
to gather our courage to try again.  But the more we practice in a safe
environment, the easier and easier it gets.  Valerie W. McClain, IBCLC

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