I agree with Barbara Wilson-Clay.  This man is like many fathers who love
their babies, love their wives or partners and want desperately to attach and
bond with their children. We have finally succeeded in convincing fathers they
should "help" in child care.  We just neglected to tell them how.  They do not
know any other way of bonding and attachment other than to feed.  This is the
culture of men as well as women where bottle-feeding is the norm and is one
with baby care.  Of course, this man sees the way a father helps as feeding the
baby, he doesn't know any differently thanks to our societal influence of what
constitutes caring for a baby.  Goodness knows he would have no clue babies
need to be held even when they are not eating.

Instead of attacking him or any other father who worries about how his baby
will know to love him without being fed by him, I suggest offering all the
wonderful things a Dad can do.  I often tell parents that it is really an insult
to Dad to make him believe his child only loves the one that feeds.  In fact,
it is good for babies to know there is another person who loves completely and
does not come with breasts. There is another way to feel loved and cared for
and Dad is the best person to teach that by showing love in all the other ways
we care for babies.  I talk about skin contact, holding, rocking, bathing,
diapering, etc.  My joke line is something like "a baby loves a full tummy and a
clean tooshie.  Mom gets the tummy, you get the tooshie."  Or, "If you want
the one job that means sitting with your feet up and curling your baby to nurse,
you need to carry for 40 weeks and birth! Haha Otherwise, you have to walk,
rock, change, bathe, and of course, feed the mother." I tell them that it is
wonderful they love their baby and they should be part of their baby's life from
the beginning, but that if they were meant to feed the baby, they would make
milk.  They are the balance.  The balance is just as important and not to
underestimate the fathering role.  This is something we do need to consider as
part of the reality of breastfeeding families.  Spousal support is a big part of
breastfeeding success.

Yes, we can talk about when to give a bottle in mother's absence if
necessary, etc. This is not about that.  It is more about men honestly not knowing how
to father without "feeding".  Maybe instead of making them wonder, we educate
them too.  Along with the reasons to avoid artificial feeding methods (unless
necessary) and the reality that mother will need to pump, baby would rather
nurse, etc. we need to give them the tools and support to be their baby's
father.

Take care,
Pam MazzellaDiBosco, IBCLC

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