Wow, there's something going on here. What's the gender of the sibling?

Some cultures do stop breastfeeding around boys when they are past 
toddlerhood or preschool age. If the family belongs to one of these 
cultures, or the father does and the mother does not, perhaps the 11 
year old is repeating what they are hearing from other members, perhaps 
even the father who may be trying to place a wedge between the mother 
and his older child.

Most of the time, when children grow up watching siblings breastfeed, 
they internalize that breasts are for feeding babies/young children, and 
feel breastfeeding is completely natural. The only reason I stopped 
bringing my son to La Leche League meetings as he grew older was to 
avoid making mothers uncomfortable who were from these cultures. Neither 
of my children nor the siblings of bf babies that I am acquainted with 
ever expressed discomfort with breastfeeding. My 20 year old son is 
completely comfortable having a conversation a woman while she 
breastfeeds, even now. He'll turn away if he feels the mom is shy, but 
if she engages him, he's happy to hang out and keep her company. (The 
youngest of his cousins just weaned a year ago, and he loves to come to 
our LLL group fundraiser walk in the zoo every summer, and we have bf 
friends in other spheres of life, so I often get to observe him in this 
situation.)

So, one needs to think about what may be happening in this family. Is 
this 11 year old feeling insecure and seeing mom in a new light now that 
dad's no longer in the house? Is someone telling him or her that mom's 
behavior is inappropriate? Is the 11 year old expressing that he or she 
needs some babying and reassurance and that it's painful to watch the 4 
yo breastfeed? Could mom be encouraged to reach out to the 11 year old 
with more physical affection (hugs, sitting nearby, eye contact) as 
often as she can? And of course, an 11 year old who can express these 
feelings deserves to be listened to and have them explored 
empathetically. If mom does not get defensive, or tell the child how he 
or she should feel, and just listens and helps the child explore the 
feelings, the reasons might just come tumbling out. Mom may not have 
these relationship skills yet, but you could recommend "How to Talk so 
Kids will Listen, How to Listen so Kids will Talk" as a starting point.

Catherine Watson Genna, IBCLC  NYC

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