Great question, Jan.

 "Why on earth is it so
>important for dads to feed babies to feel as though they are "loved" and
>"important" and "bonding?"  Why does this not extend to when the kid is 2 &
>1/2 and someone needs to make dinner for her?  Why is it only the bottle
>feeding (in the early days, BTW) that is important?  Why is my husband not
>cheerfully (emphasis here) making dinner for all of us to bond with us?

I think that part of it is garden-variety, green-eyed jealousy. The newborn
baby seems to be "particularly fond" of feeding at Mom's breast, and all of
the "other" bodily ministrations don't produce that intense satisfaction
for baby.  Mom is (hopefully) being catered to and praised for getting the
feeding right (hopefully), and Dad is sent to the grocer for a head of
cabbage. :(  Also, Dad is in love with this baby too and just doesn't know
what to do with all of that feeling.  To transfer it to his wife as a
back-rub, a sandwich, screening calls from relatives, or doing the laundry
is a difficult leap. It can be done, but it takes maturity.

By the time that "the kid is 2 & 1/2 and someone needs to make dinner for
her", some of the luster and awe has, shall we say, mellowed. Perhaps those
sandwiches don't carry the intensity for even Mom or her child that those
early feedings at the breast carried. I love your questioning, though, and
I plan to put it out there as comic relief amidst all the intensity. And
sadly, I know of a few women who didn't breastfeed because they wanted
their husbands to feel involved. The thrill lasted a very short time.

Somehow your question reminds me of a family whom I was working with last
week.  It was the day of the playoffs between Atlanta and Chicago
(baseball). The house is a small 2 story and in the living room were Mom
and baby, "focused" Lactation Consultant, Dad, Maternal Grandma, unsettled
dog, AND the Atlanta Braves and Chicago Cubs (TV) right at the LCs left
shoulder .

Dad had just come home with birth pictures and he and grandma were wanting
Mom to help them pick the picture for the birth announcement.  I gently
told them that perhaps they could decide this later, so they resumed their
game watching.  When I detected a change in TV sound, I asked, hopefully,
if that was a commercial, thinking that the sound could be turned down.
But at the inning change, Dad had flipped to another channel--a study of
the life of squid.

It was clear that even with my "hints" about wanting to hear the baby
swallow, the TV was the center of their attention, so I "cryptically" asked
mom where she feeds the baby at night, to which she replied, "upstairs in
the bedroom on the bed."  I suggested that we go there so that she would
have the same setting that she would be using later. ;) So we scooped up
baby and LC equipment and went upstairs.

Mom got settled onto the bed, cross-legged (?! at day 3) and we began to
work.  Within 2 minutes here came Grandma putting away clothes in chests,
arranging things, closing doors and drawers, and the floor was very
squeaky. (I couldn't believe it.)  Then a couple of minutes later there was
Dad, talking to Grandma about some important decision of housekeeping. It
was as loud as it had been earlier.  (I couldn't believe it.) I whispered
to Mom, "Maybe we'd better go downstairs where it is quieter."  She grinned.

We were ignoring both of them and after 5 minutes or so, Grandma said,
"Let's go downstairs and give them some quiet." (Wheeee)

I know that some of you are wondering why in the world I didn't say, "Turn
off the TV so that we can hear and focus on feeding the baby."  or "Let's
go upstairs where it is quiet" (said loudly). I have done that many times
and I have been annoyed many times, but this time was different, as the
excitement and joy and emotional involvement of these "helpers" was a
treasure and I didn't want to discredit it or diminish it at all.  This
wasn't a detached, distracted group of people, which I have seen plenty of.
[Grandma had bought a "side-car" sleeping thing even before her daughter
was pregnant because she wanted her to breastfeed any babies and keep them
close at night.] There was so much support of Mom's breastfeeding, and of
her totally, that I didn't want to come between these people.  I would be
going away and they would be there loving and supporting each other.
Grandma and Dad had been doing many outstanding, caring things for both Mom
and baby. I loved it.

I learn a lot by working in the homes.

Later I chuckled, and wondered why they had come upstairs when the ball
game had seemed so important earlier, and I concluded that Mom and baby
were the true centers of their hearts and minds, and when we went upstairs
they wanted to be close to where the miracle was. It was probably very hard
for them to go downstairs with just each other and a baseball game--or even
squid.

I expected to go back for a 3rd visit, but all was resolved and I didn't
have to.  That is one lucky little girl. (And, by the way, Mom is a
Pediatric resident!!!)

Well, all of this to say that when it's not the jealousy (or even along
with the jealousy) it can be a desire of Dad to be in on this wonder and
not knowing how.  I've found the words that I got from some Lactnetter to
be especially inspiring to several dads when his feeding the baby with a
bottle comes up.  "You are the one person who can teach your baby that love
doesn't always come with food."  Sometimes their eyes "puddle up" or they
seem awe-struck. I then I ask them what they think they would like to do
with the baby that would be enjoyable to both them and the baby. We talk.

Another thing I tell the dads is that their baby learns through her mouth
and her skin.  If he will hold baby on his bare chest and baby in just
diaper, baby will connect very deeply to him and him to her. I love it when
I come back later and they say, with a big smile, that they tried it and it
was great.

I don't know why I'm telling *you* all of this.  You all know these things.
 I just got carried away with writing to Lactnet, which I haven't had time
to do lately.

This case was a bright light in a frustrating week similar to what others
of you had.

Patricia Gima, IBCLC
Milwaukee, Wisconsin, upper midwest USA

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