>She has sooooo much help that it humbles a poor little IBCLC like me.
>She has a full time, live in nanny, as well as a housekeeper\cook.
>We talked quite a bit about her need for support, and talked again
>about LLL or something like it. (She doesn't want to go)...
>She asked me to come back in a few days to
>make sure every thing was still good. ARRRGGGHHHH! This mom
>explained to me that if she can afford it then why can't she pay me
>to be her friend. She likes me, is used to me and only wants my
>support.
Stephanie, I am writing you to encourage you to follow your own counsel. I
want to share my opinion here.
In the first paragraph above you note all of the services she purchases.
She also wants to purchase a "friend." She isn't seeking friends who are
truly peers, such as she would find at LLL or a play group, but a
friend/mother/consultant wrapped up in one. This is not a mutual
relationship, as I suspect you would not go to her to ask for advice on a
family problem. This is a consultant/client relationship and needs to be
kept this way.
Friendship is a give and take relationship, one that nourishes and demands
from both, mutually. We in the helping professions will continue to
encounter people who want to befriend those whom they admire, but
inordinant admiration precludes a mutual relationship. I'll bet that
everone on this list has been in your position, and there are a variety of
ways to deal with the situation. Each of us has to be true to herself and
play the challenge out in a way that fits her. We must honor our boundaries
or we will certainly not be able to continue our important work.
Some will let the dependent mother set the pace of the relationship. Some
will grow more detached and hope that the mother will take the hint. Some
will claim busy-ness (truly) and put the mom off. Some will go on to
become a friend of sorts, perhaps a truly mutually-nourishing one. Some
will not know how to deal honestly with this person and will become trapped
in an unhealthy relationship. Some will recognize that this is a violation
of personal boundaries, and will firmly encourage the mother to take steps
to find friends in other mothers, so that their children can grow up
together. Some will encourage the mother to get counselling if she finds
it difficult to make friends on her own.
When someone is "moving our boundary stone", it is up to US to say "no."
We may anger the other person, she may feel rejected, or she may go on to
find a true friend and be richer for it. However she responds to our truth
is up to her, but becoming another's "friend" because we don't know how to
avoid it is NOT a caring gift to that person. In fact it is a high insult
to her integrity and a delaying of her growth.
When we are in a mutual friendship there is not any "buying." I help you
when you need it. I ask for your help when I need it. I tell you when you
say or do something that hurts me and you do likewise. And when we have
been together we know that we have been nourished.
How do we know that someone is violating our boundaries? We feel
resentful, trapped, wary. Our Self knows, and our Self needs us to be
honest even if the other won't like what she hears. We can do it with
respect and caring and understanding, but we must be firm. This is one of
the hardest lessons for those of us who are so caring. We can easily
confuse caring with "care-taking."
So, Stephanie, look to yourself to see if this relationship is good for
you. You owe her your best as LC, but you don't owe her your life or your
friendship. Only you can decide what is right for you. All of the
suggestions on this list have been from the truth of those who wrote, and
every situation is unique. We are all with you as you examine who you are
and respect who you find there.
I wrote a poem for my Friends on my 50th birthday.
OUR JOURNEY
Day to Night,
Night to day;
As my Night
holds out its bowl,
Your Day serves
the bread of Life.
Patricia Gima, IBCLC
Milwaukee
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