Date: Tue, 24 Apr 2001 16:00:05 -0600
From: LC Mama <[log in to unmask]>
Subject: Re: nursing doctors
>Perhaps she is struggling with the conflict she is feeling between
mothering/
>breastfeeding and her time-intensive career.
I am guessing you don't feel comfortable telling her that sometimes we can't
have our cake and eat it too. :O) I am sorry, I see this so much, moms that
don't think twice about getting pregnant when they have such time intensive
careers, and instead of putting the career on hold to be with a child that
will be grown before they know it, they choose the career. Now I am not
naive enough to think that all people can get by on one income.... oh wait,
that's a lie, priorities play a huge part. If you aren't willing to make
sacrifices to become a parent, then just don't become one...........
Melissa,
Gee, do you feel this way about all mothers who are struggling to adjust to
the emotional and physical demands of new motherhood or do you reserve this
special condemnation only for 'career mothers'? I have yet to meet a parent
who really, truly understood what they were 'getting into' before they had
children. That it might be a particularly hard jolt for someone who also
has a very challenging career is not surprising. I doubt she was
'prioritizing work before her child' when she returned to her job. No
doubt, she was wholly unprepared for the reality that faced her and she is
now facing the reality that the current situation is not going to work
without giving somewhere. This mother needs *support* not criticism. Why
do you automatically assume that she is being selfish? I suspect that she
may well feel quite trapped and helpless in the current situation.
'Putting a career on hold' is no small feat for a physician. Do you really
think that a new doctor can just drop out of medicine for a few years and
then jump right back in and pick up where she left off? And do you really
believe it's about money? Or prestige? Is she really thinking, "I'll take
the beamer over the kid..."??? Contrary to popular opinion, many new
physicians are not rolling in dough. Instead they are up to their eyeballs
in educational loan debt, making it financially impossible for them to cut
back much on their work. If that were even possible... The opportunities
for decreased hours are precious few and the attitudes of fellow physicians
tend to be highly critical and unsupportive, if not downright hostile
("We'll have to do all your work for you while you're at home playing with
your kids..."). It sure came as a shock to me, let me tell ya.
I personally spent six months looking for a job opportunity which would
allow me to work fewer hours and still make ends meet as the sole provider
for my family (DH already stayed home full-time). There were very few
places which would even consider a part-time physician and in almost all of
them, there were *penalties* for working part-time. In most cases,
part-time docs were still expected to take full-time call and were paid a
less than proportional wage for their work (one job offered me 50% pay and
benefits for working 66%). I would still have worked more hours than an
average person and would not have been able to make ends meet after making
my loan payments (and no, there's no BMW or fancy house in the equation--my
monthly loan payments exceed the *combined* totals for our mortgage and 2
car payments).
And we don't know whether this woman is constrained in her job opportunities
due to her husbands' profession nor any other variables. Then, to top off
this woman's dilemma, she may be already facing ostracism and resentment
from her fellow physicians for the maternity leave she just took and for any
time she spends pumping breastmilk. Many men see these things as privileges
that are unfairly afforded to women. ("Why should women get a 'free
vacation' just for having a kid?" and "While you're on 'vacation', we all
have to work twice as hard to make up for it and the clinic loses money...")
Yeah, I'd say this woman needs some support, not criticism and judgment.
Consider all the many pressures she is facing right now. And even if some
of her obstacles are only *perceived* obstacles, they are real to her.
Consider too, that she may be suffering from post-partum depression as well.
I just read today that female physicians suffer twice the rate of depression
as the general population. I have no doubt she is struggling with some or
all of the forces mentioned above. Hopefully, she will work it out.
Meanwhile, she needs a lot of support and encouragement to continue with
breastfeeding. In the long run, if she sticks with it, she will not regret
it, as it will aid tremendously in maintaining the bond with her child.
Right now, she is undoubtedly feeling overwhelmed and probably searching for
some way to get her life back in balance. It was mentioned that she was
negative about suggestions that were made and not very receptive to new
ideas. Sometimes people get that way when they feel hopeless. Perhaps she
needs someone to listen to her frustrations and acknowledge the sheer
magnitude of it. When people reject our help, sometimes it is because they
feel their concerns are not being acknowledged. Perhaps she just needs to
vent. Give her a chance to be heard and understood, then maybe she'll open
up to some advice.
Obviously this is a topic I feel strongly about and I hope I haven't stepped
on anyone's toes by voicing these opinions. But I have often felt that
breastfeeding advocates are too critical of working women and that this
judgmental attitude has a negative impact on breastfeeding promotion for
working women. Just because a woman has an intense and demanding career
does not prove that she doesn't care about her kids or want what's best for
them. But she may need considerably more help overcoming obstacles to get
there.
-Catharine Decker, MD
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