What an odd subject line, heh?  I often get moms telling me how hard  it is, 
how overwhelmed they feel, etc.  I agree with them 100%!   Sometimes even 
before they tell me I can sense they are feeling that sense of  "What the heck was 
I thinking!!???" NO ONE TOLD ME IT WOULD BE THIS HARD!   Sometimes I tell 
them first.  I tell them how hard being a mom is, how no  one tells us the truth, 
how there is no way we can live in our world and have a  remote idea what 
mothering looks like, how every where we look babies are in day  care centers or 
out of sight on the tv set how even in the sitcoms babies are  not real!  Then 
I tell them it is okay to feel like they didn't ask for  this and it is okay 
to feel overwhelmed by the reality of what it means to have  this very small 
little human they are completely responsible for and who just  turned their 
world upside down!  Depending on the situation, I try to give  most moms the same 
little talk about expectations and reality.  Who expects  a baby to 
breastfeed every hour or so when everywhere you look babies are being  fed volumes 
every 3-4 hours?  The bottles they sell are even larger and  make you think they 
must need more.  Even if you read about it, when it is  you living 
it...breastfeeding non stop, feeding running into feeding and always  leaking and just not 
feeling like who you were, well, sure it seems too much for  some women.  
They do get that feeling that if they were not breastfeeding  it would be so much 
easier...easier as in they would not have to care for their  own baby.  I 
think for them breastfeeding is even more important....it will  help them in the 
long run to find that fit with their child.  Sometimes if  they don't 
breastfeed they will disconnect completely. 
 
The truth is, we really do not prepare people for parenthood. We really are  
a selfish lot here in the USA where we think we deserve it all.   Many have 
grown up with their own parents working full time, no mothering  given to them 
full time either. We learn mothering by being mothered. If we  don't get it 
there, we have to 'think' it into being.  Even in nature  mothers do very bad 
things to their children, so mothering may not be as natural  as we want to 
think, or it is very natural and so are the negative feelings  about it. Along 
comes a baby that was really wanted and they thought would  look cute and be such 
fun and it just is not like that at all!  And nothing  we were and used to do 
and expected is the same.  I totally get that it is  harder than they knew it 
would be.  
 
Sure, I am human, and I get that same thought sometime...get a plant is  
better than the goldfish I sometimes think of.  Heck, I am a mom, sometimes  I 
think I should have got a few plants instead!  Used to think goldfish,  but you 
do have to feed them and occasionally change the water....so much  work!  
Cactus, yes, cactus plants would be a good choice for me on some  days.  I know we 
have this ideal that moms get their babes in their arms  and immediately 
become someone else...some selfless caring soul who puts the  needs of the baby 
first, etc. etc. But, really, who you are before you became a  mom may need some 
time to grow into the role you need to embrace so this new  little person can 
grow up healthy and safe.  This is bigger than some moms  can are ready for.  
 
I can't tell you the number of women who cried and breathed a sigh of  relief 
that they were just human and it was okay to feel it was more than they  
expected.  Maybe they are selfish, maybe they did not even realize that  
themselves.  But, for most, I think they will grow and learn and take on  the work of 
parenting.  I do think it may take some time though, and they  will likely need 
lots of support and nurturing as they grow into it.
 
Take care,
Pam MazzellaDiBosco, IBCLC, RLC who with her 7th child has often  
wondered...What the heck was I thinking!?

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