Naomi, you said

<< Our job is to educate, support, inform. The decision to breastfeed, how
much to breastfeed, when to breastfeed belong to the mother. >>

I couldn't agree with you more Naomi, I also believe that if we have
discharged our duty to mother and baby to the best of our ability,  it is
ultimately none of our business what decision the woman takes, because she
will, hopefully, have made her decision through the informed choice we have
armed her with.

We have to 'let go' the mothers we educate, support, inform and listen too, we
can only ever try to do our best but not to feel a failure if our 'wish' is
not granted.  Any disappointment or suppressed anger will surely seep out to
that mother and others that we meet along the way.  We can debrief ourselves
with the help of our peers to give the next new mother our clean slate.

The mothers with whom I come into contact know that they can come to me to
talk about stopping breastfeeding if ever that point is reached.  None have
ever contacted me without much heartache and soul searching.  They need to
affirm with someone who they are assured will not judge them falsely that they
have come to the end of the road.  None, to my knowledge, have ever used glib
excuses after they made the decision to stop.    Likewise, mothers will
contact me to use me as a sounding board to carry on when times are very
difficult and breastfeeding is not pleasurable.

Now guilt and defensiveness is another story - that I find very difficult to
cope with and I know that I tend to shy away from any conversation that might
lead us on to breastfeeding or ABM feeding, my achilles heel - must explore
this more.

Turning now to 'hands on hands off'.  Flexibility and sensibility to the
mothers needs and wishes are paramount.  She should always be asked whether
she wishes us to touch or hold her breasts.  She needs to be asked in such a
way that she does not feel obliged to say "Yes".  She needs to be given the
opportunity to say '"Stop, I want to change my mind about my breasts being
touched".  She may have felt mentally and physically raped by the birth
experience/antenatal care and now she is having yet another person touch a
most private, sensitive part of her body.  The danger is when we always do the
getting the baby to the breast in the same way, inflexibility has taken hold
and I suggest that we may have become frightened of being flexible, we are now
controlling.   Same goes with picking up the baby, open ended permission needs
to be sought.  I feel acutely uncomfortable about pulling baby's chin down to
help him open wider as mentioned in an earlier posting.  I suggest that the
mother can't do this and bring the baby to the breast.  In fact the thought of
baby having this done has troubled me all day because I feel it is a
threatening gesture to baby and to the mother.  I would guess that it also
makes the baby flex its head down onto its chest - not the optimum way to
breastfeed.

I would prefer that if a mother needs hands on help we cover our hands over
her hands and gently guide her movements, mother feels part of this learning
partnership and there is no barrier between her hands and the baby's body.

Dora Henschel with Sally Inch in 'Breastfeeding a guide for Midwives' says
that 'the help given will vary.  It can take the form of:   hands on help;
talking the mother through the positioning skill so that she manages to put
the baby to the breast herself;   leaving her to manage by herself, if that is
her preference.'

I don't feel that I have quite done myself justice in explaining how I feel
but hey ho got to take the flack sometime or stir the pot a bit.

kind regards, Helen M. Woodman,  National Childbirth Trust Breastfeeding
Counsellor.