Hi All,
Margaret writes:

> This is the part that always makes me pause.  It seems to me that if
> there's an intimate bodily behavior likely to be thought disgusting
> (due to shame and/or abuse), it's SEX.  If a woman is able to work
> through feelings of aversion to sex, and becomes pregnant in a
> healthy sexual relationship, then why shouldn't she similarly be able
> to handle breastfeeding?  I just think breastfeeding should be a
> cakewalk after the kind of intimacy it takes to make a baby (assuming
> a healthy relationship).

Sex isn't the only intimate bodily behavior/action.  Breastfeeding is a very
intimate behavior/action.  Physical/sexual abuse can and does impact that.
One can learn to work through the physical issues of aversion to sex
(gaining a rational, logical explanation for what happened to you and why it
isn't your fault, etc.) and one can learn to enjoy sex again - but what
about intimacy??  Physical and emotional intimacy can actually be two
different aspects in a similar situation.  You can have physical intimacy
without the emotional and vice versa.  Just because a woman has worked
through her physical issues of abuse and can now be physical in a healthy
relationship, does not guarantee that she will be totally done dealing with
the emotional intimacy issues.  Once you learn to feel 'safe' with one human
you can make progress with intimacy issues both physical and emotional.  Now
add another new human into the mix - You have to build a whole new 'safe'
situation.  It doesn't seem like it would be all that difficult - it is her
baby, she grew it, birthed it, etc..  But the process of birthing itself
(transition - urge to push - no control over that), can take us back to
situations where we also had no control (abuse) and leave us experiencing
trauma when we least expect it.  Now mom has just gone through this birthing
process where this baby came out of her (painfully) and she is sore, tired,
possibly traumatized (either physically by a poor birth experience or
emotionally without realizing it) and now she has to love this baby and put
it to breast and let it suck on her??  Also, BF is a very different intimate
action that she has no experience with - add in the possible physical
reactions to the BF itself (spontaneous orgasm, feelings of arousal,
etc...) - not all women can handle that (even those who were not abused!).
Some can handle it - as I did.  But, it can be more overwhelming than one
might expect.  Intimacy is an emotional concept - one that can be hard to
regain when your sense of emotional and/or physical safety has been
shattered.  One can get past the physical issues of abuse long before
getting past the emotional issues...

Even in a healthy relationship the past abuse issues can come up and smack
us in the face - btdt.  It takes time to regroup and refocus and look at
where the pain is coming from and put it back into perspective.  sometimes
that can take minutes - other times it can take days or weeks.  On a
personal note:  I have been through abuse no one should ever go through.  I
have dealt with it and it does not negatively affect my daily life anymore,
nor my relationships with my partner or children - BUT - having said that, I
will say that there are times when a smell, or a sound, or a phrase happens
by me and I am suddenly slammed back in that place of abuse - it is a shock
when it happens and it takes me a moment to regroup and say to myself - "I
am OK. I am done with that.  I am safe. I am in control."   Abuse is a
lifetime effect.  Not neccessarily daily - but sometimes it just comes back
to haunt you a bit and remind you where you came from.  I would not be able
to work with particular moms the way I do had I not been through the things
I have been through - simialr to things they have been through.  It lends me
an empathy that I find both helpful and yet disturbing.

I will say that those women who I have seen do better with the BF issue are
those who had been healing for quite a while - or who at least were aware
enough and ready to go through another emotional process while learning to
be a mom and BF.  Those moms who were still early in their healing or who
had yet to start, in my experience, could not handle the emotional toll that
taking care of baby and BF and the physical demands of that type of intimacy
with another human entails.  They even worried that they were possibly
molesting their child by changing diapers and bathing - btdt.  It is such a
complex situation that there is really, imnsho, no one solid answer to fit
every situation.  This is, again, a critical place where we, as LC's NEED to
meet the mother where she is.  And we may not have the luxury of the mom
being able to tell us WHY she is so against BF or why she simply wants to
just pump and bottle feed.  She may not neccessarily be fully aware of the
reasons herself...

It would be wonderful and ideal if BF were an act that had NO implications
or idications of anything negative ever.  Sadly, it isn't that simple nor is
life ideal.  Life is not a cakewalk...for many of us it is a rocky road...
I actually somewhat envy those out there who do not understand why abuse
affects others like it does, and do not understand why you can't just detach
yourself from the abuse to focus on something as beautiful as BF - why?
Because they never went through those horrors...how lucky are they?  Very...

Warmly,
Jaye

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